I'm in a state of shock.

Bakit ganoon?






















Corrupted yung DVD kung saan nilagay ko yung lahat ng photos ko from Gelene's birthday (Nov24), pag-alis ni Kate, Imma's debut, photoshoot with Kimie and HIV, fastfood sessions, lantern parade, Manila, Magallanes, vanity photos, Kimie's shooting, etc.. hanggang sa fanatic photo with Ping.

Nabura ko na lahat ng iyon sa pc at inenjoy ko pa yung crunchy sound ng empty recycle bin.




Thank God, may multiply.



Pero paano na yung mga hindi ko pinost sa multiply?





Moments attempted to be preserved are now moments eternally lost.

Sad.

Nakakapanlambot ng tuhod...

It's time to post a sad song

Far away you've gone, and left me here
So cold without you, so lonely dear
May June July I count the time
Every minute I go takes the smell of your clothes
Further away

'Cause you've gone away
Where there isn't a telephone wire
Still I wait by the phone
You don't even write to say goodbye
Goodbye

I have saved every piece of paper
Like grocery lists and note cards
To do lists and race scores
So just in case you change your mind
And come back, I've kept everything safe

While you're gone away
Where there isn't a telephone wire
Still I wait by the phone
You don't even write to say goodbye

Get me out get me off
Get me out get me off
Oh this is a ride going nowhere
But somewhere that I despise
Going nowhere to end up with a tearful
I don't wanna go on with these pieces of paper
That you left behind

This is a ride going nowhere
But somewhere that I despise
Going nowhere to end up with a tearful
I don't wanna go on with these pieces of paper
To keep me company in my old age

While you're gone away
Where there isn't a telephone wire
Still I wait by the phone
Why don't you write to say goodbye
Goodbye

gone away
my brightest diamond

Who was with Ping Medina?

Napapaisip talaga ako dun sa ImaheNasyon, kung ano ba talaga yung kunek ng mga pinapalabas sa konsepto. Hindi tuloy namin naubos ni Mai ang aming nacho cheese at sourcream popcorn. Tsk. Pero matino talaga. At kung kras niyo si Ping tulad ko, isang higanteng eyecandy ito!

Spoiler man, pero paborito ko yung tungkol sa utak (Local Unit by Tad Ermitaño). Na by 2072, ang mga maralitang Pilipino, magbebenta na ng mga utak para lang mabuhay ang kanilang mga pamilya. Kahit wala si Ping sa film na iyon, ok lang. Ay nandun pala siya, nakaprint yung mukha niya sa tshirt. Isa ko pa ring paborito yung "Barado. " Kinuhanan siya sa isang CR sa Chem Pav. Kailan kaya yun ginawa, sayang hindi ko nakita.

I couldn't stop talking about Kate while we were on the trip. Kasi naman mula ng umalis siya nagabstinence na ako sa pagwiwindow shopping. Kanina na lang ulit..Isang malaking factor sa buhaybahay ko ang kaplpakan ng cellphone ko. Epal nga naman, sa tuwing may kailangang kitain sa UP mag-ooff. hmpf. Kapag tatawagan ako, malolowbat. Hay naku. Ayan tuloy hindi na ako makapag-after class lakwatsa. Kamalasan.

Narealize ko talaga kung gaano ako ka-giddy giddy girl. Sus naman. Antanda ko na pero ganito pa rin ako. So hayskul. So fangirl. No wonder nahulaan agad ni Ping na mga estudyante kami. Kung hindi lang talaga nagsshake ang mga kamay ko, gagayahin ko si Mai na nakipagshake hands. Augh. Di bale, shinake ko na lang rin hands ni Mai afterwards. haha.

Aysus, andaming kulay ng kuko ko kakagamit ng mga tester na nail polish. Pero hindi ko muna buburahin para remembrance ng araw na ito. Such a day. Salamat Mai!

click

Is this 126?

I think I found a gorgeous photo with 126 in it. WOAH. The photo is from Jospeh's LJ. I don't really know him but he's from UP and he hangs out in "Chinatown." His photos were really great. Ayoko na sanang ipromote siya kasi I'm all insecure because he's on LJ spotlight pero I have no choice but to drop his link here. haha.

Kaso, about the photo, I'm having some doubts if this is really the person I admire from afar.

Nathania, si 126 ba yan?

But in case that person is not 126, well, I crush him too now! Sabi nga ni Kate, "The lips!"

On another note, nandito na naman ako sa phase na kinaaasaran ko ang sarili ko kasi nahihilig ako ng sobra sa photography.

Bakit ako naaasar?

Nadadalian ako sa proseso ng paggawa ng magagandang photographs. Point and shoot digital cameras at the magic of photoshop.

I always feel guilty when I enhance photos in photoshop. Purist na ideya. But I have nothing against utilizing photoshop's magic. I even use it myself. There's nothing wrong in taking advantage of the technological advances. But these advances also make it hard to distinguish people who are actually good in TAKING photos and those who are good at ENHANCING them digitally or those who are good at both. I have respect for the three kind but I really think that it is important to distinguish them from one another. Para sa akin, malaking pagkakaiba talaga.

I really can't help but love photographs, and taking them and posting them online. Kasi nga, it's easier to produce wonderful things from it, capture something from the material world and express things I have in my mind than drawing/sketching and writing. Ewan.

Before I end this incoherent post, I just want to say that Jared Leto's eyes and the lunacy encapsulated in them are amazing (in Requiem for a dream). The hottest person I saw in skinny jeans is Ewan Mcgregor (trainspotting). Ping Medina, I crush you but I'm too shy to drop a comment on your blog/multiply because I don't want to be a giddy fangirl (but I really am a giddy fangirl of yours!). hahaha.

Daming boys ah. Kasi walang boys.
Ay anlabo ko.

The heart's day is done

This is kind of late but I hope all of you had a happy day.

I did!

Thanks to Hannah Caloi and Gelene.
(Plus the "itlog" that really made me laugh!)

"learn how to segregate your hearts"

at Vinzon's Hall while waiting for Gelene

onti na lang macoconvince na ulit akong mag-LJ.

hahaha

balentimmmmes kwento

Hindi siya nananalamin kanina nung dumungaw ako mula sa bintana ng bus na sinasakyan ko. Saplot ko ang usok at alikabok mula EDSA hanggang C5, pati ang kagustuhan kong kumaripas ng takbo palayo sa mundo.

Masasabi kong ayaw ko na magpaistorbo.

Kaso kasi araw-araw kong inaabangan ang pagdaan sa Honeylette. Gusto kong nakikita siya na sumasayaw sa harap ng salamin. Kahit nakakabadtrip.

Tuwing ganoon ang sitwasyon, parang napakasaya niya. Hinahaplos niya ang kanyang buhok na parang walang inaalala, parang alam niyang sa pagsapit ng dilim, marami ang magnanasa sa kanya.

Sa araw-araw na nakikita ko siya na masaya, naiinis ako sa ideya na andun siya, sa impyerno na naliligiran ng makamundong pagnanasa at kahirapan. Ako naman, pauwi sa isang tila paraisong tahanan, masayang pamilya, masaganang buhay, pero hindi ko man lang madampi ang kamay ko sa buhok tulad ng ginagawa niya.

Kanina, sabay ang lungkot at tuwa na naramdaman ko nung nakaupo lang siya sa harap ng Honeylette, hindi masaya, mukhang walang magawa. Paano, ang mga nagnanasa sa kanya, nasa bahay o di kaya sa mga romantikong kainan. Paano kasi balentimes. Araw ng mga puso. Pusong may may-ari.

Lahat sila may may-ari. Walang natira doon sa babae sa may Honeylette kahit pagnanasa. Kasi balentimes.

Nung maisip ko ang mga ito, tinanggal ko agad ang tingin ko mula sa kanya.

"Kulang na lang impyerno at kahirapan, wala na kaming pagkakaiba."

Tumingala na lang ako sa nangangalawang sa kisame ng bus. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, pauwi ako sa langit kaya hindi kami magkapareho. Hindi pwede. Hindi ako naghihintay kasi pauwi na ako. Pagod na ako sa buong araw na klase sa Masscomm. At bukas, gagawa ako ng langit sa lupa. At hindi ako maghihintay. Hindi kami pareho.



Pero pagmamasdan ko siya ulit bukas.

*

It should've been enough to post about my whole day. I think this egocentrism is getting more and more problematic. But what can I do? The night is a much separate entity from the the day. Bipolarity and all of a kolehiyalang hilaw.

Project: Dig in for complexities.

Complexity 1:
I have two cameras in front of me- the little boon of modernity and a light from the past. But somehow, I can't care enough visuals at this moment. I care about asdfghjkl---->letters. I wrote three poems in a day because I wanted to. But I couldn't find anything from my core. Just the frustration of not finding anything. Period.

Complexity 2:
I forgot. I forget. I tried hard. HARRRRRRRRRD. To forget about your lame reasoning, your fragile kindness and all about your weaknesses. But still, you remain an artifact reminding me of who was the person I almost loved. And now I begin to question, how then could I say I forgot about it at all?

Complexity 3:
Don't you have any plan of... ahhh! Never mind.

Complexity 4:
I've been tracing people's lives, connecting one entry to another as if everything is the reality. And, as if this particular reality matters to me. I get disappointed when they turn sad, mad, bad. I get heartbroken when they do. And most of all, I want to scream I love you like how they do. But to who?

A Day. It was that simple.

(Sana may LJ-cut ulit)

Kakaiba ang araw na ito. I love every minute detail of it. Mukhang natutunan ko na namang hanapin si Happyness sa mga bagay-bagay. Yey!

Nagsimula ang araw sa series of kamalasan. Traffic at walang masakyan. Sakto pa, reporting ko sa first subject. At heto pa, ni hindi man lang ako nagbasa nung irereport. Sa bagay, anu nga namang bago sa hindi ko pag-aaral. O basta ayun, lampas 30mins akong late, buti na lang late din lahat ng ka-group ko kaya hindi nagsimula. Pero naman, kabobohan ko. I misinterpreted something about Cesar Legaspi.

Prof: Sigurado ka ba diyan sa nabasa mo?

Me: Opo, nabasa ko po eh (at sa pagkakaalala ko nakabold pa yung text) na may Chiaroscuro collection of paintings si Legaspi.

Prof: Anung source mo diyan? Baka nalilito ka lang. LOLO ko kasi si Legaspi.

Me: OH. (nervously rummages her readings) Ay Ma'am sorry po.

I looked so stupid. Garr. I was even stuttering during the report. Kailan ko ba maacquire ang communication skills ng karamihan sa kolehiyo ko?!

(AY! While typing this post, I found out that the Chiaroscuro by Cesar Legaspi was really a series of paintings. Yes I was right. But still, I looked stupid. sheesh. I'll redeem myself next meeting.)

Habang pababa ako ng hagdanan pagkatapos ng klase na 'yon sobrang nahihiya ako sa sarili ko. Sinusumbatan ko siya: "Ah Anna Lee, ikaw ba yung may sabing MAHAL mo ang sining? Ni hindi mo nga maintindihan mga pinagsasasabi mo eh." OUCH.

Dinaan ko na lang sa pakikinig ng musika ang kahihiyan ko. Tapos, tumungo sa Arki para sa susunod na klase. Mga 2 oras pa bago mag-time kaya naman natulog muna ako sa himig ng What A Wonderful World na version ni James Morrison. It turned out na parang free day pala kami sa klaseng iyon kaya Jenny and I had an hour and a half to stray.

Guess where we went?

Inaya ko siya sa FA. BOOHOO sobrang pagfifeeling na yan ah. Jenny and I talked about artsy stuffs over her pieces of siomai. Fun!

Fast forward...

After my last class, I headed to our previous neghborhood to get the old SLR camera from my Tito. Yes, I got it! Bago ako makarating sa bahay, tinext ako ng tatay ko, isasabay daw ako. Hintayin ko daw siya sa XY coordinate na siya namang ginawa ko. Pero nung andun na siya, kinailngan ko pang gawing parke ang highway ng C5 para lang makarating sa kanya. Naglakad ako sa gilid ng island. Lahat ng mga truck driver sinusutsutan ako kasi napakaalanganin ng pinili kong maging catwalk. Maryosep.

Pero napakasaya ng pakiramdam-- na hindi ako natakot magmukhang tanga (at mamatay as well. haha).

Pagsakay ko sa kotse, dinaldal ko ang tatay ko tungkol sa mga artistic endeavors niya nung mga panahong kinamayan pa siya ni Imelda sa kahusayan niya sa isang painting contest. Pati artistic roots sa pamilya niya chinika ko. Natuwa ako sa ideya na yung isang kong tito nakatapos ng Mechanical Eng'g pero hindi siya nagpractice out of his "love for art." Sa pagkakaalala ko nagtayo siya ng business, silkscreen ata tapos may recording something. Hindi ko mawari ang terminolohiya, antanda na kasi. Sana buhay pa siya ngayon edi sana idol ko siya kasi hindi rin ako magppractice ng tatapusin kong kurso. HAHAHA joke (half-meant)!

Ayon. Pag-uwi namin ng bahay, pinageksperimentuhan ko yung... err hindi ko alam ang tawag. Basta mga heart-shaped stuffs at kung anu-ano pa. Kay saya talaga. Sabi ko dati sa sarili ko, Sabado lang dapat dinadama ang sining. Ay hindi ko kayang pigilan eh.

Anyone who knows kung anung tawag sa pa-epek na yan? Basta para siyang mga slides na minamount sa SLR, pero nilagay ko sa digicam. Haha

This is in memory of Ruth and Leo (wish there's an LJ cut for this)

(Sounded like they 've passed away. No.)

I had so much fun with the two of you. I used to be scared for things might be boring for you and you'd realized how much time, effort and money you've wasted just to be with me. I never wanted anyone doing that for me. If there would be any effort and time wasted, I always want it to be mine (money? I don't want to waste any money at all. haha kuripot).

I could narrate everything that happened and make all our other friends envy (because they turned down my invitation! haha) but I couldn't find any coherence in me right now. Every detail of our day was in a way, surreal.

Who wouldv'e thought I'd have the guts to take photos using my poor digicam during the exhibit?

How much of the insights we got from Wawi Navarozza have inspired us?

Did we really laughed that hard over your spaghetti meals?

Why did we decide to walk that long street?

And why did we pose and take emo photos of ourselves on closed stalls, painted walls, an abandoned building, posters, company logos and corporate buildings along Magallanes?

And Leo, why did we allow ourselves to get lost that long?

How come we suddenly became interested on composing a song having "go, let's go sagoww" and "ohhh maayy god, higad" as the only lyrics?

How did we find the place was also a question in spite of Micah's misdirections (hallooo Micah! Leo called you a probinsyana because you said it was just NEAR Farmer's market! hehe..Thank you Mai for enlightening us!).










And when we found Bellini's, why did I forget about the toy cameras I was saving for and decide to eat there in spite of my tight budget?







We know we looked stupid, but why did we take photos of ourselves as if we're dragons/ walruses/ sabertooth tigers at a very romantic restaurant?






Incomprehensible up to now.





It was not extravagant, nor fantastic. It was not any word that could be followed by an exclamation mark. But just the adjectives followed by an ellipsis... for I didn't want it to have a concrete end.

while waiting..

I'm anxiously waiting for the hair dye to take its effect on my hair. I'm kind of scared.

Yesterday was a fine fine day. I'm not really big on bare-bones entries but I really want to materialize the day's happening.

To have met five HIV friends in one day made it like that. And also the new haircut that robbed any girliness I could ever have. Anyway, I like it. After class, I met Leo at AS so he could accompany me for the haircut session. Then, on the Ateneo area, I saw someone whose blog I was reading online. Wala lang, nakakatuwa. Then, we headed to SM for the meeting. Basta, it was a normal meeting with friends, the overtime on fastfood establishments, the conversations about anything-- from Ruth's insecurity complex with someone, to xientian gossips, to college issues, to missing people, etc. It was like the days when everything was so easy, and when we don't have to wait more than a month just to meet each other.

See, going to SM and meeting friends is already a big deal for us now.Things do change. But sometimes, it's still nice to halt changes in order to give way to some things we wish would be forever.

(sayang, no one brought a camera.)

____
Edit: Raarrr.. Bakit napakaminimal ng effect nung dye? Bakit mukhang brown at hindi purple? sad..

"Ate, bakit ba walang pera basurero?"

She asked me that question while we were having lunch and the garbage truck passed by. Oo nga naman, bakit ba walang pera eh may trabaho naman, marangal, may pakinabang. Pero why? WHY? WHY?!

Una kong naisip isagot: una kasing dapat tanong, bakit ba basurero lang sila. Pero hindi ko sinabi kasi naisip ko rin, eh ano naman kung hindi sila nakapag-aral? Kapag ba lahat ng tao nakapag-aral hindi na natin kailangan ng basurero? I don't think so.

So malamang ang sagot na naman diyan eh ang stratification ng ating society. I am so much of a mind person kaya feeling ko wala akong karapatang kwestyunin kung bakit ba mas mahal ang bayad pag ginagamitan ng isip ang trabaho mo kaysa sa ginagamitan ng katawan. Sabi nga ng National Bookstore, invest in your mind.

Sabi dati sa anthro, ganoon daw talaga, yung mga scholars they put the mind above the body. Pero isipin natin thoughts are useless without actions. Kailangan talaga we view them equally, that human beings are composed of a dyad that defines their limitations and capacities.

the rest of the photos here

When

I

realized

how I cannot

be forever

afraid

of using color

Talk to me

watercolour pencil on paper

062906