for a period

no, this is not the end

of one month

not even self-imposed

the antonym of visibility

in terms of all existence there is

would be

if this is still within my control

missing it

It's time to post a sad song

Far away you've gone, and left me here
So cold without you, so lonely dear
May June July I count the time
Every minute I go takes the smell of your clothes
Further away

'Cause you've gone away
Where there isn't a telephone wire
Still I wait by the phone
You don't even write to say goodbye
Goodbye

I have saved every piece of paper
Like grocery lists and note cards
To do lists and race scores
So just in case you change your mind
And come back, I've kept everything safe

While you're gone away
Where there isn't a telephone wire
Still I wait by the phone
You don't even write to say goodbye

Get me out get me off
Get me out get me off
Oh this is a ride going nowhere
But somewhere that I despise
Going nowhere to end up with a tearful
I don't wanna go on with these pieces of paper
That you left behind

This is a ride going nowhere
But somewhere that I despise
Going nowhere to end up with a tearful
I don't wanna go on with these pieces of paper
To keep me company in my old age

While you're gone away
Where there isn't a telephone wire
Still I wait by the phone
Why don't you write to say goodbye
Goodbye

gone away
my brightest diamond

Is this 126?

I think I found a gorgeous photo with 126 in it. WOAH. The photo is from Jospeh's LJ. I don't really know him but he's from UP and he hangs out in "Chinatown." His photos were really great. Ayoko na sanang ipromote siya kasi I'm all insecure because he's on LJ spotlight pero I have no choice but to drop his link here. haha.

Kaso, about the photo, I'm having some doubts if this is really the person I admire from afar.

Nathania, si 126 ba yan?

But in case that person is not 126, well, I crush him too now! Sabi nga ni Kate, "The lips!"

On another note, nandito na naman ako sa phase na kinaaasaran ko ang sarili ko kasi nahihilig ako ng sobra sa photography.

Bakit ako naaasar?

Nadadalian ako sa proseso ng paggawa ng magagandang photographs. Point and shoot digital cameras at the magic of photoshop.

I always feel guilty when I enhance photos in photoshop. Purist na ideya. But I have nothing against utilizing photoshop's magic. I even use it myself. There's nothing wrong in taking advantage of the technological advances. But these advances also make it hard to distinguish people who are actually good in TAKING photos and those who are good at ENHANCING them digitally or those who are good at both. I have respect for the three kind but I really think that it is important to distinguish them from one another. Para sa akin, malaking pagkakaiba talaga.

I really can't help but love photographs, and taking them and posting them online. Kasi nga, it's easier to produce wonderful things from it, capture something from the material world and express things I have in my mind than drawing/sketching and writing. Ewan.

Before I end this incoherent post, I just want to say that Jared Leto's eyes and the lunacy encapsulated in them are amazing (in Requiem for a dream). The hottest person I saw in skinny jeans is Ewan Mcgregor (trainspotting). Ping Medina, I crush you but I'm too shy to drop a comment on your blog/multiply because I don't want to be a giddy fangirl (but I really am a giddy fangirl of yours!). hahaha.

Daming boys ah. Kasi walang boys.
Ay anlabo ko.

balentimmmmes kwento

Hindi siya nananalamin kanina nung dumungaw ako mula sa bintana ng bus na sinasakyan ko. Saplot ko ang usok at alikabok mula EDSA hanggang C5, pati ang kagustuhan kong kumaripas ng takbo palayo sa mundo.

Masasabi kong ayaw ko na magpaistorbo.

Kaso kasi araw-araw kong inaabangan ang pagdaan sa Honeylette. Gusto kong nakikita siya na sumasayaw sa harap ng salamin. Kahit nakakabadtrip.

Tuwing ganoon ang sitwasyon, parang napakasaya niya. Hinahaplos niya ang kanyang buhok na parang walang inaalala, parang alam niyang sa pagsapit ng dilim, marami ang magnanasa sa kanya.

Sa araw-araw na nakikita ko siya na masaya, naiinis ako sa ideya na andun siya, sa impyerno na naliligiran ng makamundong pagnanasa at kahirapan. Ako naman, pauwi sa isang tila paraisong tahanan, masayang pamilya, masaganang buhay, pero hindi ko man lang madampi ang kamay ko sa buhok tulad ng ginagawa niya.

Kanina, sabay ang lungkot at tuwa na naramdaman ko nung nakaupo lang siya sa harap ng Honeylette, hindi masaya, mukhang walang magawa. Paano, ang mga nagnanasa sa kanya, nasa bahay o di kaya sa mga romantikong kainan. Paano kasi balentimes. Araw ng mga puso. Pusong may may-ari.

Lahat sila may may-ari. Walang natira doon sa babae sa may Honeylette kahit pagnanasa. Kasi balentimes.

Nung maisip ko ang mga ito, tinanggal ko agad ang tingin ko mula sa kanya.

"Kulang na lang impyerno at kahirapan, wala na kaming pagkakaiba."

Tumingala na lang ako sa nangangalawang sa kisame ng bus. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, pauwi ako sa langit kaya hindi kami magkapareho. Hindi pwede. Hindi ako naghihintay kasi pauwi na ako. Pagod na ako sa buong araw na klase sa Masscomm. At bukas, gagawa ako ng langit sa lupa. At hindi ako maghihintay. Hindi kami pareho.



Pero pagmamasdan ko siya ulit bukas.

*

It should've been enough to post about my whole day. I think this egocentrism is getting more and more problematic. But what can I do? The night is a much separate entity from the the day. Bipolarity and all of a kolehiyalang hilaw.

Project: Dig in for complexities.

Complexity 1:
I have two cameras in front of me- the little boon of modernity and a light from the past. But somehow, I can't care enough visuals at this moment. I care about asdfghjkl---->letters. I wrote three poems in a day because I wanted to. But I couldn't find anything from my core. Just the frustration of not finding anything. Period.

Complexity 2:
I forgot. I forget. I tried hard. HARRRRRRRRRD. To forget about your lame reasoning, your fragile kindness and all about your weaknesses. But still, you remain an artifact reminding me of who was the person I almost loved. And now I begin to question, how then could I say I forgot about it at all?

Complexity 3:
Don't you have any plan of... ahhh! Never mind.

Complexity 4:
I've been tracing people's lives, connecting one entry to another as if everything is the reality. And, as if this particular reality matters to me. I get disappointed when they turn sad, mad, bad. I get heartbroken when they do. And most of all, I want to scream I love you like how they do. But to who?

Smell me, I am infinite.

Every human being is created with such complexity. Nothing in language can capture the whole essence of even a single person. No matter how many times we try to understand each other and come to the conclusion that we do, there will always be something that we will miss. It might be a little detail like the wink of his eye or as big a fact as the wink of his eye. There will also be those things that we will wish not to see, something like the wink of his eye. And of course, there will be the things that we will always wish to see but never will. Wink of his eye. Never will. In spite of our will. Never.

So we resort to the assumption that what we know about someone is enough. This is not always because we wish to blind ourselves. Sometimes, it is because we have no choice but to accept the little we know. And cherish every particle of it as if all of his universe is uniformly composed of such.

That is the best choice.

No sense in frustrating how we came too close to someone we don't fully understand. No reason to fret why we did not know him enough to be able to foresee his departure.

_______________

Dang. My Myers-Briggs Personality Type has changed.
From an INFP, I am now an INTP. From a feeling person to a thinking person. Whatda. NOOOO.

jitters, anxiety, butterflies,etc.

I am really bothered because I couldn't find the right term to describe the physical state I am whenever I'm nervous.

Do you have anything to call the overall sensation of wobbly knees, two invisible hands pressing on each side of your head and heart diving deeper inside your chest?

Everytime I experience that kind of thing, I always feel defeated by the circumstances, as if I can't contest with the external universe.

But I am not nervous anymore. My heart, not counting feet below chest level anymore. Actually, it's in my sleeve already.

See? It's the one that bears no single name.

for others, the new year might be a way to welcome changes. but not for me. i was fed up with those before 2006 ended. changes are not new anymore. changes are cliches for me right now.

this 2007, i want to grow back in time. maybe, i'm just getting tired of trying to outgrow things. i just thought it would be better to be young forever, even just in a subtle way-- be a child.

as part of this going back in time thing... huhuhu.. i dont want digital cameras no more. i want a lomo pop9, dalek super sampler, oktomat or colorsplash (but this is a little more expensive) or a holga. or any lomo camera. but first, i have to learn how to develop photos. haha.. im such a dreamer. perhaps, i have to take film110 or just ask kimie and hannah to teach me.

edit: grabe. sabi ko na nga ba, may lahi ka ni marky cielo kya kahawig mo si jack. baguio boy ka pala. pagakataon nga nman.. may silbi rin naman pala na gising ng ganitong panahon, nalaman ko pa numero mo ng walang effort. malay ko bang ikaw pala yun. wiii..tulugan na (finally!)

"...You can’t just sit around, getting angry because you think you're ready.

If you were really ready, things would be happening.”
-regina spektor

very nice. very nice, especially after reading her biography.

after several days of immersing myself in easy-listening music and insisting on repeating the little downlaods i could afford to stay up waiting for, my mind has once again generated another dream. yet again.

i want to be a musician. wooo..

kaya panay ang magic sing ko.

JOKE.

joke lang talaga. mananatili na lang isang panaginip yan. hehe.

but who knows, life could be too long for literature and visual arts.

dream on. haha

read my earlier posts they deserve views rather than this lousy thing.

im getting addicted to camera obscura, so as to other obscure things. what's new?

i thought i was wanting new things because so much were new-- new house, new room, new way, practically, new life without Kate. but then, one thing hasn't changed. im still a woman pretending to be a girl. or the other way around. or perhaps, what hasn't changed is my unsureness about these two.

i want to grow out of being obsessive. or not. maybe, i just have to quit whinning about it because this is really me down to the roots of my tangled and uncombed hairs.

i dont want to get rid of my childishness. i want to stay young and be idealistic about things. i want to forever think that the world has so much in store for me.

rarrr..but being obsessive and being hurt eventually sends signal to my nerves up to my brain. this is when we eventually grow out of being children, when we fully understand pain.

but i dont..yet. so i must not understand it fully. i must resist my resistance. hence, i must give in to obsessiveness.

this is me manipulating myself. how cute is that?

_____________________________

i can't believe i'm counting on you
one im so gullible
two im so overacting
three im so much of a know-it-all
and
four im a social-climber
and that last count connotes further more.
and so i count on you more than four times
i forsee that.
you know what i also see?
i see no you

----

GAHD im so stupid.

i want

fancy and liberating and breezy and alone and functioning and breathing and away.

G.I.V.?

---which stands for Globally-Intellectual Village

unfortunately, eventually, actually, we will be apart. let's not think of it as a reason to be down in the dumps.

UP's lighting ceremony last Monday december4. before the lights were actually lighted..

thoughts of which came to me after i heard about the Japan scholarship, Kate in Canada and the news about the high demand for occupational therapists in Canada, New Zealand, etc. this is not entirely positive, but i have managed to picture us so apart from each other. so, i had to attribute a theory that would somehow light up this grim idea.

the idea was patterned by mcluhan's global village (mass comm!) wherein the world would be conneceted through mass media..blah blah.. well, i didn't utilize the whole idea but merely the term. haha. so there's no point in explaining it in depth.

kate even suggested that KFC the block would eventually be replaced by Paris' shopping districts as our habitual meeting place. and of course, she joked about Leo being out of place during our shopping escapades.

hayyy.. we're really getting old.

i have imagined an improved version of a museum hopping for an art-related romantic date.

ikeee..

(haven't been mushy for quite a while so im shy to tell all..hihi)

the images in my head are blurry because the venue was somewhere i haven't been.

i would love to spent an afternoon (and if possible, a night) there..

with me, myself, and lots of money so i can bring home pieces. o how romantic the thought is.

"i have a home

and a window called night.

i sleep in a bed named sky

and dream about people i haven't met.

in my dreams we talk about teacups.

because of the future it holds

and the afternoon it brings.

o, what are afternoons without teacups?"

don't you think we've waited long enough?

i think so too. so what now?



on another note, what's the point of waiting to be safe just so you can be dangerous?
be dangerous or be safe. not both. or can i be both? hmmm..

and on a more irrelevant note, i still check on you. i want to hide from you, yeah. but.. i also want you to try and find me and make me feel like.. like you never lied. and move fast. in a matter of days, those information would be obsolete.

next thing, you kill me everytime i read that. but i still read it. maybe next time, i'd read it in front of a mirror so i could see life escaping from my eyes. they say that vision is unbelievable.

just when i thought im over chopping inches from my hair, i've found yet another cute haircut. i have read somewhere that cute and nice are empty adjectives. owwww.. now i know why they always say im cute. hahaha.

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