*

It should've been enough to post about my whole day. I think this egocentrism is getting more and more problematic. But what can I do? The night is a much separate entity from the the day. Bipolarity and all of a kolehiyalang hilaw.

Project: Dig in for complexities.

Complexity 1:
I have two cameras in front of me- the little boon of modernity and a light from the past. But somehow, I can't care enough visuals at this moment. I care about asdfghjkl---->letters. I wrote three poems in a day because I wanted to. But I couldn't find anything from my core. Just the frustration of not finding anything. Period.

Complexity 2:
I forgot. I forget. I tried hard. HARRRRRRRRRD. To forget about your lame reasoning, your fragile kindness and all about your weaknesses. But still, you remain an artifact reminding me of who was the person I almost loved. And now I begin to question, how then could I say I forgot about it at all?

Complexity 3:
Don't you have any plan of... ahhh! Never mind.

Complexity 4:
I've been tracing people's lives, connecting one entry to another as if everything is the reality. And, as if this particular reality matters to me. I get disappointed when they turn sad, mad, bad. I get heartbroken when they do. And most of all, I want to scream I love you like how they do. But to who?

A Day. It was that simple.

(Sana may LJ-cut ulit)

Kakaiba ang araw na ito. I love every minute detail of it. Mukhang natutunan ko na namang hanapin si Happyness sa mga bagay-bagay. Yey!

Nagsimula ang araw sa series of kamalasan. Traffic at walang masakyan. Sakto pa, reporting ko sa first subject. At heto pa, ni hindi man lang ako nagbasa nung irereport. Sa bagay, anu nga namang bago sa hindi ko pag-aaral. O basta ayun, lampas 30mins akong late, buti na lang late din lahat ng ka-group ko kaya hindi nagsimula. Pero naman, kabobohan ko. I misinterpreted something about Cesar Legaspi.

Prof: Sigurado ka ba diyan sa nabasa mo?

Me: Opo, nabasa ko po eh (at sa pagkakaalala ko nakabold pa yung text) na may Chiaroscuro collection of paintings si Legaspi.

Prof: Anung source mo diyan? Baka nalilito ka lang. LOLO ko kasi si Legaspi.

Me: OH. (nervously rummages her readings) Ay Ma'am sorry po.

I looked so stupid. Garr. I was even stuttering during the report. Kailan ko ba maacquire ang communication skills ng karamihan sa kolehiyo ko?!

(AY! While typing this post, I found out that the Chiaroscuro by Cesar Legaspi was really a series of paintings. Yes I was right. But still, I looked stupid. sheesh. I'll redeem myself next meeting.)

Habang pababa ako ng hagdanan pagkatapos ng klase na 'yon sobrang nahihiya ako sa sarili ko. Sinusumbatan ko siya: "Ah Anna Lee, ikaw ba yung may sabing MAHAL mo ang sining? Ni hindi mo nga maintindihan mga pinagsasasabi mo eh." OUCH.

Dinaan ko na lang sa pakikinig ng musika ang kahihiyan ko. Tapos, tumungo sa Arki para sa susunod na klase. Mga 2 oras pa bago mag-time kaya naman natulog muna ako sa himig ng What A Wonderful World na version ni James Morrison. It turned out na parang free day pala kami sa klaseng iyon kaya Jenny and I had an hour and a half to stray.

Guess where we went?

Inaya ko siya sa FA. BOOHOO sobrang pagfifeeling na yan ah. Jenny and I talked about artsy stuffs over her pieces of siomai. Fun!

Fast forward...

After my last class, I headed to our previous neghborhood to get the old SLR camera from my Tito. Yes, I got it! Bago ako makarating sa bahay, tinext ako ng tatay ko, isasabay daw ako. Hintayin ko daw siya sa XY coordinate na siya namang ginawa ko. Pero nung andun na siya, kinailngan ko pang gawing parke ang highway ng C5 para lang makarating sa kanya. Naglakad ako sa gilid ng island. Lahat ng mga truck driver sinusutsutan ako kasi napakaalanganin ng pinili kong maging catwalk. Maryosep.

Pero napakasaya ng pakiramdam-- na hindi ako natakot magmukhang tanga (at mamatay as well. haha).

Pagsakay ko sa kotse, dinaldal ko ang tatay ko tungkol sa mga artistic endeavors niya nung mga panahong kinamayan pa siya ni Imelda sa kahusayan niya sa isang painting contest. Pati artistic roots sa pamilya niya chinika ko. Natuwa ako sa ideya na yung isang kong tito nakatapos ng Mechanical Eng'g pero hindi siya nagpractice out of his "love for art." Sa pagkakaalala ko nagtayo siya ng business, silkscreen ata tapos may recording something. Hindi ko mawari ang terminolohiya, antanda na kasi. Sana buhay pa siya ngayon edi sana idol ko siya kasi hindi rin ako magppractice ng tatapusin kong kurso. HAHAHA joke (half-meant)!

Ayon. Pag-uwi namin ng bahay, pinageksperimentuhan ko yung... err hindi ko alam ang tawag. Basta mga heart-shaped stuffs at kung anu-ano pa. Kay saya talaga. Sabi ko dati sa sarili ko, Sabado lang dapat dinadama ang sining. Ay hindi ko kayang pigilan eh.

Anyone who knows kung anung tawag sa pa-epek na yan? Basta para siyang mga slides na minamount sa SLR, pero nilagay ko sa digicam. Haha

This is in memory of Ruth and Leo (wish there's an LJ cut for this)

(Sounded like they 've passed away. No.)

I had so much fun with the two of you. I used to be scared for things might be boring for you and you'd realized how much time, effort and money you've wasted just to be with me. I never wanted anyone doing that for me. If there would be any effort and time wasted, I always want it to be mine (money? I don't want to waste any money at all. haha kuripot).

I could narrate everything that happened and make all our other friends envy (because they turned down my invitation! haha) but I couldn't find any coherence in me right now. Every detail of our day was in a way, surreal.

Who wouldv'e thought I'd have the guts to take photos using my poor digicam during the exhibit?

How much of the insights we got from Wawi Navarozza have inspired us?

Did we really laughed that hard over your spaghetti meals?

Why did we decide to walk that long street?

And why did we pose and take emo photos of ourselves on closed stalls, painted walls, an abandoned building, posters, company logos and corporate buildings along Magallanes?

And Leo, why did we allow ourselves to get lost that long?

How come we suddenly became interested on composing a song having "go, let's go sagoww" and "ohhh maayy god, higad" as the only lyrics?

How did we find the place was also a question in spite of Micah's misdirections (hallooo Micah! Leo called you a probinsyana because you said it was just NEAR Farmer's market! hehe..Thank you Mai for enlightening us!).










And when we found Bellini's, why did I forget about the toy cameras I was saving for and decide to eat there in spite of my tight budget?







We know we looked stupid, but why did we take photos of ourselves as if we're dragons/ walruses/ sabertooth tigers at a very romantic restaurant?






Incomprehensible up to now.





It was not extravagant, nor fantastic. It was not any word that could be followed by an exclamation mark. But just the adjectives followed by an ellipsis... for I didn't want it to have a concrete end.

while waiting..

I'm anxiously waiting for the hair dye to take its effect on my hair. I'm kind of scared.

Yesterday was a fine fine day. I'm not really big on bare-bones entries but I really want to materialize the day's happening.

To have met five HIV friends in one day made it like that. And also the new haircut that robbed any girliness I could ever have. Anyway, I like it. After class, I met Leo at AS so he could accompany me for the haircut session. Then, on the Ateneo area, I saw someone whose blog I was reading online. Wala lang, nakakatuwa. Then, we headed to SM for the meeting. Basta, it was a normal meeting with friends, the overtime on fastfood establishments, the conversations about anything-- from Ruth's insecurity complex with someone, to xientian gossips, to college issues, to missing people, etc. It was like the days when everything was so easy, and when we don't have to wait more than a month just to meet each other.

See, going to SM and meeting friends is already a big deal for us now.Things do change. But sometimes, it's still nice to halt changes in order to give way to some things we wish would be forever.

(sayang, no one brought a camera.)

____
Edit: Raarrr.. Bakit napakaminimal ng effect nung dye? Bakit mukhang brown at hindi purple? sad..

"Ate, bakit ba walang pera basurero?"

She asked me that question while we were having lunch and the garbage truck passed by. Oo nga naman, bakit ba walang pera eh may trabaho naman, marangal, may pakinabang. Pero why? WHY? WHY?!

Una kong naisip isagot: una kasing dapat tanong, bakit ba basurero lang sila. Pero hindi ko sinabi kasi naisip ko rin, eh ano naman kung hindi sila nakapag-aral? Kapag ba lahat ng tao nakapag-aral hindi na natin kailangan ng basurero? I don't think so.

So malamang ang sagot na naman diyan eh ang stratification ng ating society. I am so much of a mind person kaya feeling ko wala akong karapatang kwestyunin kung bakit ba mas mahal ang bayad pag ginagamitan ng isip ang trabaho mo kaysa sa ginagamitan ng katawan. Sabi nga ng National Bookstore, invest in your mind.

Sabi dati sa anthro, ganoon daw talaga, yung mga scholars they put the mind above the body. Pero isipin natin thoughts are useless without actions. Kailangan talaga we view them equally, that human beings are composed of a dyad that defines their limitations and capacities.

the rest of the photos here

When

I

realized

how I cannot

be forever

afraid

of using color

Talk to me

watercolour pencil on paper

062906

wind chill

Anlamig ng panahon sa ngayon. At ito ay isang masayang bagay. Pwede na nating gayahin ang mga idol na F4 at maglayer layer baga ng damit. Pwede na rin tayong may scarf at bonnet, maski gloves pa tapos boots. Magandang excuse rin para yakapin ang katabi. Hindi nga lang maige na magsuot ng paldang pwedeng liparin ng hangin. Anu ba, para akong weather reporter/fashion consultant. Pero hindi . Gusto ko lang mangiti lalo pa't may mga taong tulad ni Ruth na gusto kong makita na naka off-shoulder daw na long sleeves dahil hinahayaan siya ng panahon. Siguro kung andito si Kate magugustuhan niya rin ang ganito. Siguro si Lorine hindi na yellow kundi ube na. Si Angeline kaya mas puputi? Si Leo siguro mawawala ang pimples dahil lesser oil. Si Kimie siguro nakababa ang windows at sumisigaw ng "Wooooo!" Si Gelene, finally, justified ang paglayer ng kasuotan. Ako, heto at giniginaw, nakabathrobe na galing sa Hawaii at iniisip kung kasama ko lang sana ang mga malalapit na kaibigan e di sana maiibsan ang pagkaulila ko sa kanila.

Smell me, I am infinite.

Every human being is created with such complexity. Nothing in language can capture the whole essence of even a single person. No matter how many times we try to understand each other and come to the conclusion that we do, there will always be something that we will miss. It might be a little detail like the wink of his eye or as big a fact as the wink of his eye. There will also be those things that we will wish not to see, something like the wink of his eye. And of course, there will be the things that we will always wish to see but never will. Wink of his eye. Never will. In spite of our will. Never.

So we resort to the assumption that what we know about someone is enough. This is not always because we wish to blind ourselves. Sometimes, it is because we have no choice but to accept the little we know. And cherish every particle of it as if all of his universe is uniformly composed of such.

That is the best choice.

No sense in frustrating how we came too close to someone we don't fully understand. No reason to fret why we did not know him enough to be able to foresee his departure.

_______________

Dang. My Myers-Briggs Personality Type has changed.
From an INFP, I am now an INTP. From a feeling person to a thinking person. Whatda. NOOOO.

young no more

I'm giving myself five minutes to say everything that I wish to announce in this public flea market of mine where I bargain my thoughts for free. That didn't make sense. Whatever.

Yesterday, I spent my day all alone. I was so bitter and lonely and everything else because I had nothing to eat. I tried cooking for myself but I ended up with medium rare longganisa and black sunny side up. darn. I am so incapable.

I woke up this morning thinking that I could finally eat REAL food because my parents were already here. But to my dismay, they didn't make breakfast for me because I usually wake up after lunch.

About to storm back to my room angrily, I realized something. ISA AKONG PALAMUNIN and I have no right to get angry, even just a little. I guess, I am really getting older because I am acknowledging my age right now or that there really exist something called age. I am 18 and I don't even know how to prepare a decent meal for myself. I am so dependent to my parents. And realizing that means I have to do something about it sooner. Just two more years... I need to give them back what they deserve.

Kidlat Tahimik's Talk

Nakonsensya akong ipost ng buo ang mga kuha ko sa Lopez Museum kasi bawal talaga magpichur. Kaya ayan, maliit lang at cropped!


I had to attend an artist's talk at the Lopez Memorial Museum. Mukhang meet and greet Kidlat Tahimik kasi yung mga tao doon parang tinuring siyang artista, with matching photo op after the discussion. Naiinis ako. Is this a proof of how showbusiness has affected people's way of thinking? Iniisiip ng lahat ng tao kapag may taong nagsalita sa harap blah blah eh kailangan ng atensyon. Buti hindi nila tinanong kung paano magsend ng text votes for him. Tinanong pa kung bakit Kidlat Tahimik ang pangalan niya. Although iniisip ko na rin yun on my way there. Kasi daw, he likes the idea of a silent energy at si Kidlat Tahimik daw ay character niya sa una niyang film.


O baka kaya iba ang dating niya kasi nga Indie filmmaker siya? Like what was said by our ACLE speaker- Sigfreid Sanchez, ang pinakabagong pick-up line na raw ay:
"Hi, I'm an indie filmmaker."


Been talking about this person, baka naman hindi niyo siya kilala. Before this event I've only heard him in some history related stuffs. I just knew he was a filmmaker/artist. At alam ko rin na he was a big name.
I learned a lot of insights from his talk. Not just artsy stuffs but generally about society. He was fed up with the city life. Nakatira na siya ngayon with the Ifugaos in Banaue planting rice. He started teaching the people there how to use the video camera to document their diminishing culture. Iniisip niya na in his little way, maibabalik niya ang pride in being an Ifugao sa kanila.


Just like Sigfreid Sanchez' message, he was trying to encourage people especially independent filmmakers to hear their social conscience. Make films, not for generating money and pleasing Mother Lily, but for the Filipino people to take pride in being a distinct culture.


He also coined his own term for describing the effects of globalization-- LAHARI-ZATION. He forsees the effect of it using the vast lahar plains caused by Mt. Pinaubo's erruption as a metaphor to a homoginized and boring world.

Last na. He also said something about an inner dwende. Ito raw ang unique entity in each of us. He said we have to listen to that voice instead of copying everything we see.



On my way home, I was trying to listen to that inner dwende of mine. Una sabi niya, pumunta daw ako sa Megamall at itry ang Kripy Kremes. And so I did. It was really nothing special. Para lang siyang yung donut na tinitinda sa kantong bakery except that the glaze was a little crispy. Sinayang ko lan ang pera ko. Tapos nung nasa tapat naman ako ng Cubao, inisip kong bumaba ng bus at tumungo sa Cubao X. Kahit silip lang ayos na. For a couple of minutes nakatigil yung bus. AT HINDI PA AKO NAGBABAYAD noon kaya I won't lose anything kung bumaba man ako. But I said no to myself. Iniisip ko kasi it's not time yet. daaaa.. andrama. At saka, mas "cinematic" isulat if this would remain a frustration kaysa pag natupad. haha etchos.


So I spent my bus ride time overthinking. Not thinking over. That would be an understatement. OVERTHINKING: Being an artist. Other people's lives. What is wrong with this country as reflected by the people I saw on the road. If it is right to let Ifugao and other tribes believe in many gods. How do I concieve success. Would I rather be a single parent. That UP students are trained to see that there is something in the world and that they have to make it better. That artists will always have an element of being egocentric. Am I causing moral deterioration by not paying that bus ride. And many more.

I can't help but smile. :D

Today made me smile a lot already. I love smiling today. I'm such a giddy giddy person. And today, I am not annoyed by it.

I realized how fun it is to spend time with people. In my UP Diliman life rght now, solitude is so permanent such that being wih other people is a strange occurence. I was telling some of my friends how this kind of environment can cause my insanity. Fortunately, my mind is still in tact and functioning. Good.

Today, we had an activity for motor sports (my PE class) a la Amazing Race. It was so fun. We got lost in the middle of the race but when we realized our fault, the adventure went smooth. It was like playing photohunt on the road. I wish the HIV could do this for the summer outing. Maybe Kate can plan the race for us. haha

Pizza-All-You-Can @ Greenwich

CARLO: Anna Lee, Pizza-all-you-can tayo!

ANNA LEE: Sige. Kaso SELECTED establishments lang daw yun eh.

CARLO: Talaga? sana SELECTED yung sa SM.

I had a good laugh on this one. Kung hindi niyo gets kung bat ako natawa, hayaan niyo na lang. Baka nadaan lang sa delivery.

After the PE class, Carlo and I spent more than an hour munching pizza slices. I love the pepperoni flavored better. I ate a total of six slices plus some bits of the seventh. I tried so hard to eat up my last slice but the mere aroma of the cheese made me dizzy already. Too bad Leo came late for my left-over. haha. Carlo ate seven slices so I was not really behind him. And I am not really sure if this is a good one for me. I haven't had dinner but I still have a full stomach. I can't even drink too much water.

This Saturday, another adventure awaits me. I am so excited, I can't help but smile when I told my father about it. Parang last Saturday lang, girl's nightout with Kimie, Gelene and Hannah (CineKatipunan). And then this Saturday, another trip again. Lalalala.. Artsy trips thrill me.

jitters, anxiety, butterflies,etc.

I am really bothered because I couldn't find the right term to describe the physical state I am whenever I'm nervous.

Do you have anything to call the overall sensation of wobbly knees, two invisible hands pressing on each side of your head and heart diving deeper inside your chest?

Everytime I experience that kind of thing, I always feel defeated by the circumstances, as if I can't contest with the external universe.

But I am not nervous anymore. My heart, not counting feet below chest level anymore. Actually, it's in my sleeve already.

See? It's the one that bears no single name.

Honesty?

I failed to pass one of my papers in Hum2 because I wasn't able to watch the required material. Why? Because I was absent during our last meeting last year. But don't judge me right away. I did everything I could do to watch it. I even went to UP last Wednesday with that as my only intent. And please consider that a trip to UP for me is almost a hundred peso worth of money and an hour of travel time.

Unfortuntely, I was so stupid to not knock on a locked office door. I thought the audio visual person was already home, as indicated by his where-I-am-right-now chart.

The night before the special deadline set by my prof, I was so torn between inventing things just to make a paper and missing the requirement for the sake of being honest. With the help of my laziness, I decided to not pass anything. I was telling myself that I'd rather look irresponsible than pass a paper that showcases my oblivion about the topic. I'd rather get singko than pass a reaction paper packed with fiction.

This may be haughtiness for some but I call it a principle of mine.

I also sent a email to my prof telling the same story and asking for her consideration so I could pass the following week.

And this was her reply:

"next week then. thanks for your honesty. really appreciate that."

YESSS!

Happy New Year

by Camera Obscura

Did the ironing in a cowboy hat

felt as fresh as the paint in this new flat

I will never tell you what to do

have ambition simply to see things through

Did you know I could be a lot of fun

I'm aware that friendship can die young

as the glow from the street light bled

down the Langlands Road we set off the best of friends

I know where I stand

I don't need you to hold my hand

Well, I've tried to get along with you

I have asked myself "What are we gonna do?"

I'm coming round to take a stand

going to put us together with glue or an elastic band

I know where I stand

I don't need you to hold my hand

I am softer than my face would suggest

at times like these I'm at my lowest ebb

now I can confide in you if I cry to set the mood

oh please could you cry too

Happy new year

you are my only vice

what if we compromised?

I am open

Do you have to wear a frown like that?

you could have hit me with a baseball bat

Do you want to? (yes I do)

Do you have to? (So do you)

Do you want to? (So do you)

_____
This is so cute! And the title goes well these days. haha... Books Written For Girls is a good song too. Camera Obscura makes me smile all the time. lalalalalala..