boring post. dont bother read.

"isang araw sa buhay ng walang magawa"

there were those times that i had this desire to be able to define love. hahaha.. nonsense pursuit you might say. but what the heck. we are so full of things related with it. i dont want to be one of those who use its name in vain. i dont want to be one of those people who brag about knowing blah blah blah but end up as victims of that same thing they boast of knowing a lot about.

back then, before i wrote in my diary an attempt to define love, all i knew was that love is not really an emotion. an emotion is very fleeting. and as most of you people have experienced or are experiencing, love does not fade easily. *insert the forum topic 'burnout' here hehe*

i also tried comparing love with other things but i thought the metaphors aren't enough to simplify the rather hard-to-understand concept of love. they *insert forum people here* thought it was some kind of a disease infecting minds, especially of those youngsters like me. but SURPRISE! it might as well be a cure. besides, love is not an abnormality. love is in fact, ubiquitous. it exists everywhere, generates movements every second, or so it seems.

then, enter Plato. the philosopher whose ideas tallied with mine. or the other way around (no hierarchical implication intended). Plato believed in a two-fold reality-- the sensory reality, the natural world wherein everything is in constant state of change and the world of ideas, wherein everything is eternal and immutable. aside from two realities, he also believed that each of us has a mortal body and a soul. this soul has existed long before we were born and thrived in the world of ideas. but the moment we were born, the soul unites with the mortal body and forgets everything about the world of ideas. as a human being develops and percieves things from the sensory world, a vague recollection of where the soul used to reaside stirs it. and this soul is faced with a yearning to return to its true realm-- that is, the world of ideas. and Plato called this yearning eros. eros = love. whoa. nakakapagod magexplain.

it was just overwheleming to find out that my vague idea on love is somewhat the same with the second most famous Greek philosopher. in my own words, i wrote:

"as people of hearts and minds, we are daunted by the fact that there is this reality that we all thrive collectively. And it is this reality that we try to resent whenever we love. love transforms reality onto something unimaginable yet attainable...because once they have realized that they can attain this unimaginable through loving, they (fall) for the escape...confused, a person becomes reckless, unmindful and undecided of what is it that he must do-- whether to stay on the always pragmatic reality or to go back to the attainable 'imaginary'."
(note: by reality, i mean, the natural or sensory world that Plato was talking about) 05-10-06

i dont intend to convince you that my views are those that comprise what is real nor what is true. i dont even intend to be mushy here. these are just thoughts running in my head, things i never grow tired of pondering about. lastly, im not in love. i just posses this innate ability to reason. haha.

no no no.

im going nowhere.

i have thse countless thoeries of why am feeling such, why am i doing so.. im doomed. because the question playing in my head right now is: what's real in all of these?

do i have a self that will justify what is the truth from the lie, the theory from the fact? or, the thing that is me is just a collection of these unsure and inaccurate ideas that my mind has generated?

do i have an identity that'll qualify the answers that i give myself as the right ones? or, do the questions themselves are the only things that define who i am?

i really have no clue what to tell myself just so i can stop all these ponderings from invading my thoughts. last night i was just indulging in lower levels of giddiness. now, im already questiong the value system regarding the source of such. maybe, im digging too much out of myself. i just want to make my gray life to be gaudy and rich and luscious. who wants a boring life anyway?
i know, i dont want that.

so, as a consequence of that, i victimize myself with constant blows of questioning, sprinkled with magnified emotions and there it goes, i fly. i fly into the gates of my own made-up world where it is only myself that i have. and there on that exile, i wish for someone to share the vast space of my own idea of perfection.

but like what i have said, it's just my own world. it's not recognizable to anyone. and to everyone, it does not exist. if that's the case, how then, can i convince anyone to go there?

how?

maybe, unconsciously, i know nobody wont come. dreaming, solitude, exile, feeling that i am empty--- maybe these things make-up my own world. and maybe, these to me are the definition of perfection.

or maybe not. ewan.

and to my main question, what's real in all of these?
nothing.
i guess, i'll just content myself on that for now.




________________
ay such a tale of woe.. ang ginaw kasi!

aaron + kaye + random musings

+aaron's 1st bday is coming. bye bye aaron's long hair.. awwww.. sad.+

+i want a black cat. i want a black ducati motorcycle. i want a beach vacation, but it's already raining.+

+ i want to see the video of daniel powter's bad day. it makes me feel glad that it's raining. because somebody might offer his umbrella, cover me from the rain and stop my cynicism.+

+you know you can do something. but knowing that doesnt qualify as a reason to feel it. i know. i understand. but.. let's just be happy. that's our only choice.+

+happiness is boring. and lonely. ironic? no.+

+i always feel guilty. but i still love storms.+

+i feel so light now that we've talked about it. i wish i could have explained myself better. but at least, you've noticed that before. i dont regret anything. we would not be here if not for those distant days. id still stick to that notion of not regretting anything. like what we've agreed upon, we dont coincide on that "regret matter".+

+ i've been surprising myself a lot lately. and it's actually fun! sana lang magtagal.. o kaya pagsawaan ko na lang. no more hurting stages please.+

+i am totally not a gift person.+

+i want to be impulsive. i am actually devising some steps towards my becoming one. weird.+

+somebody's closet would welcome an addition.+

+will i come? will i see? or should i just let questions conquer me?+

+people ( i mean you and you) are getting tired of my repeated comments. im sorry. i just cant contain them anymore. they keep on multiplying.+

+i miss you. i mean, both of you (different you and you). though you are already near. though you are already gone.+

+cliffhangers. i hate them. they mean nothing. makes the journey unworthy.+

+i have no problem. except the fact that i have no problem.+

+you cant do anything about my being a lunatic. but you can stay beside her. try.+

+do all lunatics love the moon? i do.+

+im so moony..+

stagnant blog.

--reflects my life.

by xobious

the clouds gave up on containing all the moisture by itself. it finally felt generous enough to share some. i was beside the window in my room, reading a short story that i printed the night before, when it rained. the atmosphere was so perfect for a rather depressing story.

"I always gave her the window seat because she said the world went by so fast sometimes, and if you weren't watching, you might miss something amazing. I didn't mind missing it if I got to watch her."
Connor+Jenny

it was not a tear-jerker but it'll really let you inside the world of a brokenhearted and make you feel so depressed thet even if he was already taking drugs, i felt that it's ok as long as it would make him forget about the slut who left her. besides, he is an emo guy. haha..pathetic but i am one of those girls who like those kind of guys. but i havent met anyone. AY! si RFE papasa na! i miss his jet black hair swept across his pale and at the same time rosy face. pero i dont miss my philo classes! NEVER! ewwww!

i've been thinking about trivial things recently. i had so much rubbish inside my head, mostly nauseatingly mushy! haha..what's new? my latest diary entry was about me being insecure and envious of the omnipresent time. nonsense!

"stop running in front of me, Time! stop reiterating that you are moving.. and i am not! stop it. i wont give in and befriend you. never. i guess i'll just hate you until my life gets tired of trying to keep up with your constant motion."
10:57pm

ahhh i feel so sleepy already! i still have to get up early for my seasonal cwts2 class. we're going to conduct a survey on the slum areas in front of pisay. i hope they wont shut their door in front of our faces just like what we have experienced in Espa?a.. i hope.

heaven finally dropped my parcel-- colored pencils!

wheeeee!







I sketched this last april 12. i know, i know..the pose is weird. and someone from DA commented that the guy's arm looks uber short. but im too lazy to fix it!

"...anyway, when the right time comes, he'll just leave the job for pain once again.

he'll make pain clot my wounds until my bleeding will subside due to the cold permafrost."

please tell me that a ten-year old girl can never

understand the burden that these words may mean.

my sister read my drawing book (bukod sa pagnanakaw niya ng aking favorite pencil), the one i have used as a makeshift diary

while waiting for someone to give me another

(and thank you for the one who put an end to that waiting! mwaah!).

"Anne! edi alam mo na kung anung pangalan ng "crush" ko?"

she nodded and smiled.

SHIT!

i have to be a better sister from now. really really good. or.. or.. dunno.