Sa problema, kontradiksyon at pagiging tanga

Halos gabi-gabi kong iniiyakan ang mga bagay-bagay. Napakaraming kontradiksyon ang kailangan kong bakahin. Pero hindi naman ako nagrereklamo dahil gusto ko naman ang lahat ng ito. Gusto ko ng pagbabago. Gusto ko ang ginagawa ko. Kaya kung isang araw bigla na lang akong maglaho, sinisigurado ko na wala akong pagsisisihan dahil nagmamahal lang naman ako ng lubusan.

Isa akong bata na pinalaki sa maayos na tahanan, sa masayang pamilya at matinong mga paaralan. Pero sa kabila ng langit na kung saan ako lumaki, namuo sa akin ang galit na hindi ko malaman kung saan nagmumula. Kahit kailan, wala pa akong kinaharap na malaking problema.

Naalala ko noong nasa ika-6 na baitang ako, sa amin retreat, pinagsalita ang bawat isa sa harap. Kailangan naming sabihin ang aming mga hinaing sa aming mga magulang na kasama rin namin sa kwarto. Hindi ko alam kung anong masasabi ko. Gusto ko sanang arestuhin ang palagian nilang pagpunta sa mga prayer meetings at pag-iwan sa amin tuwing gabi pero isang retreat iyon. Sa oryentasyon ng simbahan, mabuti ang pag-alis ng mga magulang at pag-iwan sa mga anak sa gitna ng gabi dahil ang mga ito ay para naman magdasal at kumanta ng papuri sa Diyos. Kaya sinabi ko na lang na sa pakiramdam ko, wala silang tiwala sa akin dahil palagi nila akong pinagbibintangan na may ka-relasyon.

Kababawan.

Ganoon lang yata talaga ang konsepto ko ng problema sa buhay. Hindi ko talaga maugat ang galit ko. At ang galit ng henerasyong ito ng mga kabataan.

Pero ngayon, malinaw na ang lahat. Ang lipunang ginagalawan natin, kahit hindi ramdam ng mga maliliit na burgesya na tulad ko ang kalam ng sikmura at ginaw ng gabi sa kalsada, ay pinalaki tayo sa marahas at mapanlinlang na pamamaraan.

Ang akala nating galit dahil iniwan tayo ng ating mga minamahal.
Ang akala nating galit dahil hindi tayo kasing-payat ng mga modelo sa telebisyon.
Ang akala nating galit dahil masaya lang makinig ng emo at maglagay ng eyeliner.

Lahat ng ito ay ebidensya kung paanong naaapi ang ating mga pagkatao ng mga paniniwalang isinusuksok ng lipunang ito sa atin upang manatili tayong bulag sa mga tunay na problema.

Problema ng mga manggagawang hindi nabibigyan ng karampatang sahod.
Problema ng mga magsasakang inaagawan ng lupa.
Problema ng mga ama at inang kailangang pumasa-ibang bansa.
Problema ng mga nadedemolisiyong bahay.
Problema ng mga taong pinagkaitan ng maayos na buhay para sa ikauunlad ng iilan.

Lahat ng ito, buong buhay na isinilid sa isang kahon na tinatawag na HINDI KO BUHAY. Pero alam ko na na mali ito. Ayoko nang mabuhay para sa sarili ko lamang. Sabi ng nanay ko kanina, isang katangahan na problemahin ko ang problema ng buong Pilipinas. Kung isa itong katangahan, napakatalino lang pala ng karamihan. At kung totoo nga ito, mas pipiliin ko pa ring maging tanga. nang paulit-ulit. nang tuluy-tuloy. nang walang tigil hangang sa aking huling hininga.

ang pagbaba

Pagpasok ko sa kwarto, parang nabalik ako sa panahong nagkukulong ako at nagpapatugtog ng malalakas na musika ng mga banda mula sa malalayong lupain. Nakikita ko pa rin ang mga nakakalat kong babasahin kahit sa totoo, binenta na ang mga iyon ni Ina nang lumisan ako, nang matanggap na niya na lumisan ako.

Binuksan ko ang aking tukador, tila walang nagalaw. Kakatuwang isipin na hindi ko pa rin nagagalaw ang mga nabili kong damit mula sa Divisoria. Sumweldo kasi ako noon at para makarami sa bagong damit, doon ako namili. Hindi ako dumalo sa isang mob para lamang magawa iyon. Sayang talaga lalo pa't hindi na rin ako nagkaroon ng pagkakataon na masuot sila. Iyon rin kasi yung panahon na nawalan ako ng ganang mag-ayos ng sarili. Ganoon naman hindi ba, 'pag alam mong mas maraming bagay ang mas mahalaga pa kaysa sa pag-iisip ng isusuot mo.

Napalingon ako sa kama at wala itong sapin. Nasaan na kaya yung tinahi ko dati? Sayang rin nga pala ang makinang niregalo sa akin nila Ama, siguro nangalawang na lang sa kahon. Wala naman kasi sa mga kapatid ko ang may tiyagang manahi at magdisenyo ng mga damit. Sa bagay, kahit ako, nawalan na rin ng interes. Mas masaya yatang maggamas at magtanim.


Sa isang sulok nakatambak ang mga ginuhit kong larawan. At dito, hindi ko na nakayanan. Mabilis ang pagdaloy ng luha sa aking mga mata, tila ba pagdaloy ng dugo ng mga sugatang kasama. Matigas na ang mga munti kong palad, hindi na bagay humawak ng pintura at mga materyales sa paglikha ng sining.

Totoo ngang marami akong naiwanan.

Kumatok ang nakababata kong kapatid at sinabing kakain na raw. Dagli akong nagpahid ng luha at nagligpit ng mga kinalat kong mga piraso ng alaala. Lumabas ako ng kwarto at dumiretso sa hapag-kainan kung saan nakaupo na ang lahat ng miyembro ng aking pamilya. Gusto nang sumabog ng mga katanungan ko sa dibdib. Kumusta na ba ang pag-aaral, kalusugan, pag-ibig, kaibigan nila? Panganay pa rin talaga akong kapatid ng mga naglalakihang batang ito. Hindi na kami nag-aagawan sa upuan at nag-aaway sa kung sino ang tatayo para kumuha ng kanin. Tahimik na kami. Hindi na kailangan pang sawayin. Kung buhay pa sana silang dalawa, paniguradong matutuwa sila.

Nang ibaba ko ang kutsara't tinidor sa gilid ng plato ko, biglang nabasag ang katahimikan sa tanong ng bunso kong kapatid.

"Ate, babalik ka pa doon?"

Those who shy away from the contradictions of the current political system in the Philippines, I dare you to remain in your comfort zones once this very system is shattered. When we raise the flags of the oppressed and tear down the one belonging to the oppressor, you must not watch for your eyes was kept shut while we were shedding blood, tears, lives. We are not your enemies, yet you treat us with great disdain, fearing the very idea of being attached with us. More than our demonized image, this reflects how skewed your views are and how you seem to leap into conclusions without critical analysis of things. We are not to blame. We are those who push for change, an idea so bitter to your thoughts yet you rant and rant about this society yet you always press the idea that you have no choice. We all have choices, if only you are brave enough to fight for them.

kilala mo pa rin ba ako?

na para bang hindi na darating pa ang umaga
na siyang nakatakdang sumikat

ngunit sa isang tabi, isang kandila ang nagniningning,
nagpupuyos sa munti niyang gilid
nililiwanagan ang nauupos na pag-asa
na paggising sa umaga, babatiin ako
at hahagkan na parang walang naganap na kaguluhan

kalayaan
___

operation: buhayin ang blogger na blog

___

hindi naman sa marami akong oras kaya bubuhayin ang isa pang blog. marami lang kasi talagang nagaganap at maraming masasabi. ayokong nang maupo na lamang sa isang tabi at mangming isigaw na mga paksyet kayo! ambulok ng sistemang ito!

___

masarap ang pakiramdam na hayag mong naisisigaw ang nais mo.

back to LJ

Will be posting in my LJ for now. Add me if you have an account there.
(still thinking if I'll be cross-posting my entries in multiply or not)

The largest I've seen

This mausoleum is so big, the caretakers call it "megamall."

Grabe talaga. Kahit we already know that it's size is equivalent to 6 normal-sized mausoleum, overwhelming pa rin nung nakita namin in person. Hindi ko nga mapagkasya sa isang frame. I had to photostitch three photos para lang ma-capture ng buo. Nakikita niyo ba yung red things sa gitna ng photo? Yan ang mga groupmates ko. Ganyan sila kaliit at ganyan ka-massive ang mala-palasyong himalayang ito.

By the way, isa pa lang ang nakalagak diyan. Yung matriarch yata nung pamilya. Tapos, nakareserve ang 40 bonebanks, at ilan pang nitso (I forgot kung ilan eh basta lampas 10 yata).

LIKE WOAH.

The mausoleum has a bedroom sa second floor, above the kitchen. Kumpleto talaga with CR, dining room, etc. May mga expensive objects sa loob like coffee tables na ceramics ATA yung material basta mukhang mamahalin.

Sa tapat nung main door, merong malaking cross. sa left side ng cross,may statue ni Mary. Sa right side, si Buddha. Hydrid di ba. Sa taas ng altar na ito ay isang dome na pinagawa pa nung may-ari sa ibang bansa.

LIKE WOAH AGAIN.

Can't help but wonder kung saan maaring mapunta pa ang perang ginastos nila dito...

Sa red cross kaya? Sa GK? Sa kythe? sa helping hands?

Tss...

Sabi nga ni Rom Dongeto (at HINDI ni colt45/pepsi endorser Bamboo),

habang may tatsulok...

ayun lang.

It's ego-crushing and heart-grinding to tell someone you like that you think you are not good enough (very long first sentence). Not that it's the first time I felt this. But this is the first time I actually did it. This is so depressing.

Maybe this is the first step towards decreasing my man-sized ego.

Oh wait. Not really. Last Wednesday, I apologized to my motorsports classmates because they blamed me for all the mishaps we had. I told them that maybe they weren't mishaps but errors-- my errors, because I am not that good in directions (maybe, just like them?). Imagine, I actually allowed Carlo to belittle me. I think, it gave him a very good feeling. Kind of refreshing for him (ok stop, I am being mean).

Another, on our way back to Manila, Caloi and I played pitik-bulag on the bus. I was such a loser. My hand was so red so I gave up. I told Caloi that he just found a game that he is very good at.

I am not really good at telling people that they are better than me. Most of the time, I shut my mouth instantly when I realize that. But now, I am trying to praise people more often.

a little preview from our trip
(yuck parang angspecial)

I still haven't uploaded our photos from the field trip because I am super busy right now. I had a fun time with Caloi. I think we had the most laughs (and giggles haha) on our "fuckkillmarry" game. I pirated the game from somebody's blog. and it goes like this: another person will give you three names and you will decide who among these three will you fuck, kill and marry.

I had the hardest time deciding on the first set that Caloi gave me. But I am proud to say that I chose to KILL "neo." Actually, after that, Caloi wouldn't include him anymore because he was sure to be killed. haha. double-dead.

Here were SOME of the sets I gave Caloi, try to guess how he assigned them:
mam moreno, mam dacquel, mam nuestro
oprah, PGMA, (I forgot the last one)
james, jonas, carlo
lorine, ruth, kimie (peace!)

mutual misunderstanding

Magaling magaling. Gustung-gusto na kitang palakpakan. Natutumbok mo ang lahat ng gusto kong sabihin (at hindi sabihin). Apir. Friends nga tayo.
















or not?

for a period

no, this is not the end

of one month

not even self-imposed

the antonym of visibility

in terms of all existence there is

would be

if this is still within my control

missing it

I'm in a state of shock.

Bakit ganoon?






















Corrupted yung DVD kung saan nilagay ko yung lahat ng photos ko from Gelene's birthday (Nov24), pag-alis ni Kate, Imma's debut, photoshoot with Kimie and HIV, fastfood sessions, lantern parade, Manila, Magallanes, vanity photos, Kimie's shooting, etc.. hanggang sa fanatic photo with Ping.

Nabura ko na lahat ng iyon sa pc at inenjoy ko pa yung crunchy sound ng empty recycle bin.




Thank God, may multiply.



Pero paano na yung mga hindi ko pinost sa multiply?





Moments attempted to be preserved are now moments eternally lost.

Sad.

Nakakapanlambot ng tuhod...

It's time to post a sad song

Far away you've gone, and left me here
So cold without you, so lonely dear
May June July I count the time
Every minute I go takes the smell of your clothes
Further away

'Cause you've gone away
Where there isn't a telephone wire
Still I wait by the phone
You don't even write to say goodbye
Goodbye

I have saved every piece of paper
Like grocery lists and note cards
To do lists and race scores
So just in case you change your mind
And come back, I've kept everything safe

While you're gone away
Where there isn't a telephone wire
Still I wait by the phone
You don't even write to say goodbye

Get me out get me off
Get me out get me off
Oh this is a ride going nowhere
But somewhere that I despise
Going nowhere to end up with a tearful
I don't wanna go on with these pieces of paper
That you left behind

This is a ride going nowhere
But somewhere that I despise
Going nowhere to end up with a tearful
I don't wanna go on with these pieces of paper
To keep me company in my old age

While you're gone away
Where there isn't a telephone wire
Still I wait by the phone
Why don't you write to say goodbye
Goodbye

gone away
my brightest diamond

Who was with Ping Medina?

Napapaisip talaga ako dun sa ImaheNasyon, kung ano ba talaga yung kunek ng mga pinapalabas sa konsepto. Hindi tuloy namin naubos ni Mai ang aming nacho cheese at sourcream popcorn. Tsk. Pero matino talaga. At kung kras niyo si Ping tulad ko, isang higanteng eyecandy ito!

Spoiler man, pero paborito ko yung tungkol sa utak (Local Unit by Tad Ermitaño). Na by 2072, ang mga maralitang Pilipino, magbebenta na ng mga utak para lang mabuhay ang kanilang mga pamilya. Kahit wala si Ping sa film na iyon, ok lang. Ay nandun pala siya, nakaprint yung mukha niya sa tshirt. Isa ko pa ring paborito yung "Barado. " Kinuhanan siya sa isang CR sa Chem Pav. Kailan kaya yun ginawa, sayang hindi ko nakita.

I couldn't stop talking about Kate while we were on the trip. Kasi naman mula ng umalis siya nagabstinence na ako sa pagwiwindow shopping. Kanina na lang ulit..Isang malaking factor sa buhaybahay ko ang kaplpakan ng cellphone ko. Epal nga naman, sa tuwing may kailangang kitain sa UP mag-ooff. hmpf. Kapag tatawagan ako, malolowbat. Hay naku. Ayan tuloy hindi na ako makapag-after class lakwatsa. Kamalasan.

Narealize ko talaga kung gaano ako ka-giddy giddy girl. Sus naman. Antanda ko na pero ganito pa rin ako. So hayskul. So fangirl. No wonder nahulaan agad ni Ping na mga estudyante kami. Kung hindi lang talaga nagsshake ang mga kamay ko, gagayahin ko si Mai na nakipagshake hands. Augh. Di bale, shinake ko na lang rin hands ni Mai afterwards. haha.

Aysus, andaming kulay ng kuko ko kakagamit ng mga tester na nail polish. Pero hindi ko muna buburahin para remembrance ng araw na ito. Such a day. Salamat Mai!

click

Is this 126?

I think I found a gorgeous photo with 126 in it. WOAH. The photo is from Jospeh's LJ. I don't really know him but he's from UP and he hangs out in "Chinatown." His photos were really great. Ayoko na sanang ipromote siya kasi I'm all insecure because he's on LJ spotlight pero I have no choice but to drop his link here. haha.

Kaso, about the photo, I'm having some doubts if this is really the person I admire from afar.

Nathania, si 126 ba yan?

But in case that person is not 126, well, I crush him too now! Sabi nga ni Kate, "The lips!"

On another note, nandito na naman ako sa phase na kinaaasaran ko ang sarili ko kasi nahihilig ako ng sobra sa photography.

Bakit ako naaasar?

Nadadalian ako sa proseso ng paggawa ng magagandang photographs. Point and shoot digital cameras at the magic of photoshop.

I always feel guilty when I enhance photos in photoshop. Purist na ideya. But I have nothing against utilizing photoshop's magic. I even use it myself. There's nothing wrong in taking advantage of the technological advances. But these advances also make it hard to distinguish people who are actually good in TAKING photos and those who are good at ENHANCING them digitally or those who are good at both. I have respect for the three kind but I really think that it is important to distinguish them from one another. Para sa akin, malaking pagkakaiba talaga.

I really can't help but love photographs, and taking them and posting them online. Kasi nga, it's easier to produce wonderful things from it, capture something from the material world and express things I have in my mind than drawing/sketching and writing. Ewan.

Before I end this incoherent post, I just want to say that Jared Leto's eyes and the lunacy encapsulated in them are amazing (in Requiem for a dream). The hottest person I saw in skinny jeans is Ewan Mcgregor (trainspotting). Ping Medina, I crush you but I'm too shy to drop a comment on your blog/multiply because I don't want to be a giddy fangirl (but I really am a giddy fangirl of yours!). hahaha.

Daming boys ah. Kasi walang boys.
Ay anlabo ko.

The heart's day is done

This is kind of late but I hope all of you had a happy day.

I did!

Thanks to Hannah Caloi and Gelene.
(Plus the "itlog" that really made me laugh!)

"learn how to segregate your hearts"

at Vinzon's Hall while waiting for Gelene

onti na lang macoconvince na ulit akong mag-LJ.

hahaha

balentimmmmes kwento

Hindi siya nananalamin kanina nung dumungaw ako mula sa bintana ng bus na sinasakyan ko. Saplot ko ang usok at alikabok mula EDSA hanggang C5, pati ang kagustuhan kong kumaripas ng takbo palayo sa mundo.

Masasabi kong ayaw ko na magpaistorbo.

Kaso kasi araw-araw kong inaabangan ang pagdaan sa Honeylette. Gusto kong nakikita siya na sumasayaw sa harap ng salamin. Kahit nakakabadtrip.

Tuwing ganoon ang sitwasyon, parang napakasaya niya. Hinahaplos niya ang kanyang buhok na parang walang inaalala, parang alam niyang sa pagsapit ng dilim, marami ang magnanasa sa kanya.

Sa araw-araw na nakikita ko siya na masaya, naiinis ako sa ideya na andun siya, sa impyerno na naliligiran ng makamundong pagnanasa at kahirapan. Ako naman, pauwi sa isang tila paraisong tahanan, masayang pamilya, masaganang buhay, pero hindi ko man lang madampi ang kamay ko sa buhok tulad ng ginagawa niya.

Kanina, sabay ang lungkot at tuwa na naramdaman ko nung nakaupo lang siya sa harap ng Honeylette, hindi masaya, mukhang walang magawa. Paano, ang mga nagnanasa sa kanya, nasa bahay o di kaya sa mga romantikong kainan. Paano kasi balentimes. Araw ng mga puso. Pusong may may-ari.

Lahat sila may may-ari. Walang natira doon sa babae sa may Honeylette kahit pagnanasa. Kasi balentimes.

Nung maisip ko ang mga ito, tinanggal ko agad ang tingin ko mula sa kanya.

"Kulang na lang impyerno at kahirapan, wala na kaming pagkakaiba."

Tumingala na lang ako sa nangangalawang sa kisame ng bus. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, pauwi ako sa langit kaya hindi kami magkapareho. Hindi pwede. Hindi ako naghihintay kasi pauwi na ako. Pagod na ako sa buong araw na klase sa Masscomm. At bukas, gagawa ako ng langit sa lupa. At hindi ako maghihintay. Hindi kami pareho.



Pero pagmamasdan ko siya ulit bukas.

*

It should've been enough to post about my whole day. I think this egocentrism is getting more and more problematic. But what can I do? The night is a much separate entity from the the day. Bipolarity and all of a kolehiyalang hilaw.

Project: Dig in for complexities.

Complexity 1:
I have two cameras in front of me- the little boon of modernity and a light from the past. But somehow, I can't care enough visuals at this moment. I care about asdfghjkl---->letters. I wrote three poems in a day because I wanted to. But I couldn't find anything from my core. Just the frustration of not finding anything. Period.

Complexity 2:
I forgot. I forget. I tried hard. HARRRRRRRRRD. To forget about your lame reasoning, your fragile kindness and all about your weaknesses. But still, you remain an artifact reminding me of who was the person I almost loved. And now I begin to question, how then could I say I forgot about it at all?

Complexity 3:
Don't you have any plan of... ahhh! Never mind.

Complexity 4:
I've been tracing people's lives, connecting one entry to another as if everything is the reality. And, as if this particular reality matters to me. I get disappointed when they turn sad, mad, bad. I get heartbroken when they do. And most of all, I want to scream I love you like how they do. But to who?

A Day. It was that simple.

(Sana may LJ-cut ulit)

Kakaiba ang araw na ito. I love every minute detail of it. Mukhang natutunan ko na namang hanapin si Happyness sa mga bagay-bagay. Yey!

Nagsimula ang araw sa series of kamalasan. Traffic at walang masakyan. Sakto pa, reporting ko sa first subject. At heto pa, ni hindi man lang ako nagbasa nung irereport. Sa bagay, anu nga namang bago sa hindi ko pag-aaral. O basta ayun, lampas 30mins akong late, buti na lang late din lahat ng ka-group ko kaya hindi nagsimula. Pero naman, kabobohan ko. I misinterpreted something about Cesar Legaspi.

Prof: Sigurado ka ba diyan sa nabasa mo?

Me: Opo, nabasa ko po eh (at sa pagkakaalala ko nakabold pa yung text) na may Chiaroscuro collection of paintings si Legaspi.

Prof: Anung source mo diyan? Baka nalilito ka lang. LOLO ko kasi si Legaspi.

Me: OH. (nervously rummages her readings) Ay Ma'am sorry po.

I looked so stupid. Garr. I was even stuttering during the report. Kailan ko ba maacquire ang communication skills ng karamihan sa kolehiyo ko?!

(AY! While typing this post, I found out that the Chiaroscuro by Cesar Legaspi was really a series of paintings. Yes I was right. But still, I looked stupid. sheesh. I'll redeem myself next meeting.)

Habang pababa ako ng hagdanan pagkatapos ng klase na 'yon sobrang nahihiya ako sa sarili ko. Sinusumbatan ko siya: "Ah Anna Lee, ikaw ba yung may sabing MAHAL mo ang sining? Ni hindi mo nga maintindihan mga pinagsasasabi mo eh." OUCH.

Dinaan ko na lang sa pakikinig ng musika ang kahihiyan ko. Tapos, tumungo sa Arki para sa susunod na klase. Mga 2 oras pa bago mag-time kaya naman natulog muna ako sa himig ng What A Wonderful World na version ni James Morrison. It turned out na parang free day pala kami sa klaseng iyon kaya Jenny and I had an hour and a half to stray.

Guess where we went?

Inaya ko siya sa FA. BOOHOO sobrang pagfifeeling na yan ah. Jenny and I talked about artsy stuffs over her pieces of siomai. Fun!

Fast forward...

After my last class, I headed to our previous neghborhood to get the old SLR camera from my Tito. Yes, I got it! Bago ako makarating sa bahay, tinext ako ng tatay ko, isasabay daw ako. Hintayin ko daw siya sa XY coordinate na siya namang ginawa ko. Pero nung andun na siya, kinailngan ko pang gawing parke ang highway ng C5 para lang makarating sa kanya. Naglakad ako sa gilid ng island. Lahat ng mga truck driver sinusutsutan ako kasi napakaalanganin ng pinili kong maging catwalk. Maryosep.

Pero napakasaya ng pakiramdam-- na hindi ako natakot magmukhang tanga (at mamatay as well. haha).

Pagsakay ko sa kotse, dinaldal ko ang tatay ko tungkol sa mga artistic endeavors niya nung mga panahong kinamayan pa siya ni Imelda sa kahusayan niya sa isang painting contest. Pati artistic roots sa pamilya niya chinika ko. Natuwa ako sa ideya na yung isang kong tito nakatapos ng Mechanical Eng'g pero hindi siya nagpractice out of his "love for art." Sa pagkakaalala ko nagtayo siya ng business, silkscreen ata tapos may recording something. Hindi ko mawari ang terminolohiya, antanda na kasi. Sana buhay pa siya ngayon edi sana idol ko siya kasi hindi rin ako magppractice ng tatapusin kong kurso. HAHAHA joke (half-meant)!

Ayon. Pag-uwi namin ng bahay, pinageksperimentuhan ko yung... err hindi ko alam ang tawag. Basta mga heart-shaped stuffs at kung anu-ano pa. Kay saya talaga. Sabi ko dati sa sarili ko, Sabado lang dapat dinadama ang sining. Ay hindi ko kayang pigilan eh.

Anyone who knows kung anung tawag sa pa-epek na yan? Basta para siyang mga slides na minamount sa SLR, pero nilagay ko sa digicam. Haha

This is in memory of Ruth and Leo (wish there's an LJ cut for this)

(Sounded like they 've passed away. No.)

I had so much fun with the two of you. I used to be scared for things might be boring for you and you'd realized how much time, effort and money you've wasted just to be with me. I never wanted anyone doing that for me. If there would be any effort and time wasted, I always want it to be mine (money? I don't want to waste any money at all. haha kuripot).

I could narrate everything that happened and make all our other friends envy (because they turned down my invitation! haha) but I couldn't find any coherence in me right now. Every detail of our day was in a way, surreal.

Who wouldv'e thought I'd have the guts to take photos using my poor digicam during the exhibit?

How much of the insights we got from Wawi Navarozza have inspired us?

Did we really laughed that hard over your spaghetti meals?

Why did we decide to walk that long street?

And why did we pose and take emo photos of ourselves on closed stalls, painted walls, an abandoned building, posters, company logos and corporate buildings along Magallanes?

And Leo, why did we allow ourselves to get lost that long?

How come we suddenly became interested on composing a song having "go, let's go sagoww" and "ohhh maayy god, higad" as the only lyrics?

How did we find the place was also a question in spite of Micah's misdirections (hallooo Micah! Leo called you a probinsyana because you said it was just NEAR Farmer's market! hehe..Thank you Mai for enlightening us!).










And when we found Bellini's, why did I forget about the toy cameras I was saving for and decide to eat there in spite of my tight budget?







We know we looked stupid, but why did we take photos of ourselves as if we're dragons/ walruses/ sabertooth tigers at a very romantic restaurant?






Incomprehensible up to now.





It was not extravagant, nor fantastic. It was not any word that could be followed by an exclamation mark. But just the adjectives followed by an ellipsis... for I didn't want it to have a concrete end.

while waiting..

I'm anxiously waiting for the hair dye to take its effect on my hair. I'm kind of scared.

Yesterday was a fine fine day. I'm not really big on bare-bones entries but I really want to materialize the day's happening.

To have met five HIV friends in one day made it like that. And also the new haircut that robbed any girliness I could ever have. Anyway, I like it. After class, I met Leo at AS so he could accompany me for the haircut session. Then, on the Ateneo area, I saw someone whose blog I was reading online. Wala lang, nakakatuwa. Then, we headed to SM for the meeting. Basta, it was a normal meeting with friends, the overtime on fastfood establishments, the conversations about anything-- from Ruth's insecurity complex with someone, to xientian gossips, to college issues, to missing people, etc. It was like the days when everything was so easy, and when we don't have to wait more than a month just to meet each other.

See, going to SM and meeting friends is already a big deal for us now.Things do change. But sometimes, it's still nice to halt changes in order to give way to some things we wish would be forever.

(sayang, no one brought a camera.)

____
Edit: Raarrr.. Bakit napakaminimal ng effect nung dye? Bakit mukhang brown at hindi purple? sad..

"Ate, bakit ba walang pera basurero?"

She asked me that question while we were having lunch and the garbage truck passed by. Oo nga naman, bakit ba walang pera eh may trabaho naman, marangal, may pakinabang. Pero why? WHY? WHY?!

Una kong naisip isagot: una kasing dapat tanong, bakit ba basurero lang sila. Pero hindi ko sinabi kasi naisip ko rin, eh ano naman kung hindi sila nakapag-aral? Kapag ba lahat ng tao nakapag-aral hindi na natin kailangan ng basurero? I don't think so.

So malamang ang sagot na naman diyan eh ang stratification ng ating society. I am so much of a mind person kaya feeling ko wala akong karapatang kwestyunin kung bakit ba mas mahal ang bayad pag ginagamitan ng isip ang trabaho mo kaysa sa ginagamitan ng katawan. Sabi nga ng National Bookstore, invest in your mind.

Sabi dati sa anthro, ganoon daw talaga, yung mga scholars they put the mind above the body. Pero isipin natin thoughts are useless without actions. Kailangan talaga we view them equally, that human beings are composed of a dyad that defines their limitations and capacities.

the rest of the photos here

When

I

realized

how I cannot

be forever

afraid

of using color

Talk to me

watercolour pencil on paper

062906

wind chill

Anlamig ng panahon sa ngayon. At ito ay isang masayang bagay. Pwede na nating gayahin ang mga idol na F4 at maglayer layer baga ng damit. Pwede na rin tayong may scarf at bonnet, maski gloves pa tapos boots. Magandang excuse rin para yakapin ang katabi. Hindi nga lang maige na magsuot ng paldang pwedeng liparin ng hangin. Anu ba, para akong weather reporter/fashion consultant. Pero hindi . Gusto ko lang mangiti lalo pa't may mga taong tulad ni Ruth na gusto kong makita na naka off-shoulder daw na long sleeves dahil hinahayaan siya ng panahon. Siguro kung andito si Kate magugustuhan niya rin ang ganito. Siguro si Lorine hindi na yellow kundi ube na. Si Angeline kaya mas puputi? Si Leo siguro mawawala ang pimples dahil lesser oil. Si Kimie siguro nakababa ang windows at sumisigaw ng "Wooooo!" Si Gelene, finally, justified ang paglayer ng kasuotan. Ako, heto at giniginaw, nakabathrobe na galing sa Hawaii at iniisip kung kasama ko lang sana ang mga malalapit na kaibigan e di sana maiibsan ang pagkaulila ko sa kanila.

Smell me, I am infinite.

Every human being is created with such complexity. Nothing in language can capture the whole essence of even a single person. No matter how many times we try to understand each other and come to the conclusion that we do, there will always be something that we will miss. It might be a little detail like the wink of his eye or as big a fact as the wink of his eye. There will also be those things that we will wish not to see, something like the wink of his eye. And of course, there will be the things that we will always wish to see but never will. Wink of his eye. Never will. In spite of our will. Never.

So we resort to the assumption that what we know about someone is enough. This is not always because we wish to blind ourselves. Sometimes, it is because we have no choice but to accept the little we know. And cherish every particle of it as if all of his universe is uniformly composed of such.

That is the best choice.

No sense in frustrating how we came too close to someone we don't fully understand. No reason to fret why we did not know him enough to be able to foresee his departure.

_______________

Dang. My Myers-Briggs Personality Type has changed.
From an INFP, I am now an INTP. From a feeling person to a thinking person. Whatda. NOOOO.

young no more

I'm giving myself five minutes to say everything that I wish to announce in this public flea market of mine where I bargain my thoughts for free. That didn't make sense. Whatever.

Yesterday, I spent my day all alone. I was so bitter and lonely and everything else because I had nothing to eat. I tried cooking for myself but I ended up with medium rare longganisa and black sunny side up. darn. I am so incapable.

I woke up this morning thinking that I could finally eat REAL food because my parents were already here. But to my dismay, they didn't make breakfast for me because I usually wake up after lunch.

About to storm back to my room angrily, I realized something. ISA AKONG PALAMUNIN and I have no right to get angry, even just a little. I guess, I am really getting older because I am acknowledging my age right now or that there really exist something called age. I am 18 and I don't even know how to prepare a decent meal for myself. I am so dependent to my parents. And realizing that means I have to do something about it sooner. Just two more years... I need to give them back what they deserve.

Kidlat Tahimik's Talk

Nakonsensya akong ipost ng buo ang mga kuha ko sa Lopez Museum kasi bawal talaga magpichur. Kaya ayan, maliit lang at cropped!


I had to attend an artist's talk at the Lopez Memorial Museum. Mukhang meet and greet Kidlat Tahimik kasi yung mga tao doon parang tinuring siyang artista, with matching photo op after the discussion. Naiinis ako. Is this a proof of how showbusiness has affected people's way of thinking? Iniisiip ng lahat ng tao kapag may taong nagsalita sa harap blah blah eh kailangan ng atensyon. Buti hindi nila tinanong kung paano magsend ng text votes for him. Tinanong pa kung bakit Kidlat Tahimik ang pangalan niya. Although iniisip ko na rin yun on my way there. Kasi daw, he likes the idea of a silent energy at si Kidlat Tahimik daw ay character niya sa una niyang film.


O baka kaya iba ang dating niya kasi nga Indie filmmaker siya? Like what was said by our ACLE speaker- Sigfreid Sanchez, ang pinakabagong pick-up line na raw ay:
"Hi, I'm an indie filmmaker."


Been talking about this person, baka naman hindi niyo siya kilala. Before this event I've only heard him in some history related stuffs. I just knew he was a filmmaker/artist. At alam ko rin na he was a big name.
I learned a lot of insights from his talk. Not just artsy stuffs but generally about society. He was fed up with the city life. Nakatira na siya ngayon with the Ifugaos in Banaue planting rice. He started teaching the people there how to use the video camera to document their diminishing culture. Iniisip niya na in his little way, maibabalik niya ang pride in being an Ifugao sa kanila.


Just like Sigfreid Sanchez' message, he was trying to encourage people especially independent filmmakers to hear their social conscience. Make films, not for generating money and pleasing Mother Lily, but for the Filipino people to take pride in being a distinct culture.


He also coined his own term for describing the effects of globalization-- LAHARI-ZATION. He forsees the effect of it using the vast lahar plains caused by Mt. Pinaubo's erruption as a metaphor to a homoginized and boring world.

Last na. He also said something about an inner dwende. Ito raw ang unique entity in each of us. He said we have to listen to that voice instead of copying everything we see.



On my way home, I was trying to listen to that inner dwende of mine. Una sabi niya, pumunta daw ako sa Megamall at itry ang Kripy Kremes. And so I did. It was really nothing special. Para lang siyang yung donut na tinitinda sa kantong bakery except that the glaze was a little crispy. Sinayang ko lan ang pera ko. Tapos nung nasa tapat naman ako ng Cubao, inisip kong bumaba ng bus at tumungo sa Cubao X. Kahit silip lang ayos na. For a couple of minutes nakatigil yung bus. AT HINDI PA AKO NAGBABAYAD noon kaya I won't lose anything kung bumaba man ako. But I said no to myself. Iniisip ko kasi it's not time yet. daaaa.. andrama. At saka, mas "cinematic" isulat if this would remain a frustration kaysa pag natupad. haha etchos.


So I spent my bus ride time overthinking. Not thinking over. That would be an understatement. OVERTHINKING: Being an artist. Other people's lives. What is wrong with this country as reflected by the people I saw on the road. If it is right to let Ifugao and other tribes believe in many gods. How do I concieve success. Would I rather be a single parent. That UP students are trained to see that there is something in the world and that they have to make it better. That artists will always have an element of being egocentric. Am I causing moral deterioration by not paying that bus ride. And many more.

I can't help but smile. :D

Today made me smile a lot already. I love smiling today. I'm such a giddy giddy person. And today, I am not annoyed by it.

I realized how fun it is to spend time with people. In my UP Diliman life rght now, solitude is so permanent such that being wih other people is a strange occurence. I was telling some of my friends how this kind of environment can cause my insanity. Fortunately, my mind is still in tact and functioning. Good.

Today, we had an activity for motor sports (my PE class) a la Amazing Race. It was so fun. We got lost in the middle of the race but when we realized our fault, the adventure went smooth. It was like playing photohunt on the road. I wish the HIV could do this for the summer outing. Maybe Kate can plan the race for us. haha

Pizza-All-You-Can @ Greenwich

CARLO: Anna Lee, Pizza-all-you-can tayo!

ANNA LEE: Sige. Kaso SELECTED establishments lang daw yun eh.

CARLO: Talaga? sana SELECTED yung sa SM.

I had a good laugh on this one. Kung hindi niyo gets kung bat ako natawa, hayaan niyo na lang. Baka nadaan lang sa delivery.

After the PE class, Carlo and I spent more than an hour munching pizza slices. I love the pepperoni flavored better. I ate a total of six slices plus some bits of the seventh. I tried so hard to eat up my last slice but the mere aroma of the cheese made me dizzy already. Too bad Leo came late for my left-over. haha. Carlo ate seven slices so I was not really behind him. And I am not really sure if this is a good one for me. I haven't had dinner but I still have a full stomach. I can't even drink too much water.

This Saturday, another adventure awaits me. I am so excited, I can't help but smile when I told my father about it. Parang last Saturday lang, girl's nightout with Kimie, Gelene and Hannah (CineKatipunan). And then this Saturday, another trip again. Lalalala.. Artsy trips thrill me.

jitters, anxiety, butterflies,etc.

I am really bothered because I couldn't find the right term to describe the physical state I am whenever I'm nervous.

Do you have anything to call the overall sensation of wobbly knees, two invisible hands pressing on each side of your head and heart diving deeper inside your chest?

Everytime I experience that kind of thing, I always feel defeated by the circumstances, as if I can't contest with the external universe.

But I am not nervous anymore. My heart, not counting feet below chest level anymore. Actually, it's in my sleeve already.

See? It's the one that bears no single name.

Honesty?

I failed to pass one of my papers in Hum2 because I wasn't able to watch the required material. Why? Because I was absent during our last meeting last year. But don't judge me right away. I did everything I could do to watch it. I even went to UP last Wednesday with that as my only intent. And please consider that a trip to UP for me is almost a hundred peso worth of money and an hour of travel time.

Unfortuntely, I was so stupid to not knock on a locked office door. I thought the audio visual person was already home, as indicated by his where-I-am-right-now chart.

The night before the special deadline set by my prof, I was so torn between inventing things just to make a paper and missing the requirement for the sake of being honest. With the help of my laziness, I decided to not pass anything. I was telling myself that I'd rather look irresponsible than pass a paper that showcases my oblivion about the topic. I'd rather get singko than pass a reaction paper packed with fiction.

This may be haughtiness for some but I call it a principle of mine.

I also sent a email to my prof telling the same story and asking for her consideration so I could pass the following week.

And this was her reply:

"next week then. thanks for your honesty. really appreciate that."

YESSS!

Happy New Year

by Camera Obscura

Did the ironing in a cowboy hat

felt as fresh as the paint in this new flat

I will never tell you what to do

have ambition simply to see things through

Did you know I could be a lot of fun

I'm aware that friendship can die young

as the glow from the street light bled

down the Langlands Road we set off the best of friends

I know where I stand

I don't need you to hold my hand

Well, I've tried to get along with you

I have asked myself "What are we gonna do?"

I'm coming round to take a stand

going to put us together with glue or an elastic band

I know where I stand

I don't need you to hold my hand

I am softer than my face would suggest

at times like these I'm at my lowest ebb

now I can confide in you if I cry to set the mood

oh please could you cry too

Happy new year

you are my only vice

what if we compromised?

I am open

Do you have to wear a frown like that?

you could have hit me with a baseball bat

Do you want to? (yes I do)

Do you have to? (So do you)

Do you want to? (So do you)

_____
This is so cute! And the title goes well these days. haha... Books Written For Girls is a good song too. Camera Obscura makes me smile all the time. lalalalalala..

It's 2007 Anna Lee. Will you please be a little bit more serious on getting the things that you want?

Hay. New year's resolutions? At first, I wasn't planning on listing any but I figured how bad I had been during the previous year. Let me start the exhibition of this coveted (daa) list by a resolution directly related to what you are reading now: learning to capitalize (Now roll your eyes back to the preceeding statements. Anything that breaks my resolution?).

Actually, that first resolution was just an attempt to make this entry longer. I only decided to plan one change this year: to stop depreciating myself in terms of my artistic endeavors.

During the past year, I had been hiding all the frustrations and fears.

The process of writing this entry is taking quite sometime. Oh no, not because of my capitalizing disorder (althoug it could count). It's because I am not really good at sounding optimistic and in telling the world that I am a pessimist. All I really wanted was to be right and good.

And once again, I am not making sense.

I chanced upon my Hum2 readings during one of my sleepless mornings. There was this article entitled Crafting An Artistic Self. It sounded like a self-help article but I read it anyway.

"Artists are at liberty to truly liberate a 'self' by assuming

extravagant disguises and enacting outrageous behaviors." (ahh..ok.)

Then the next articles were Expressing An Artistic Attitude, Choosing A Mission and the last was Measuring Success. They were like articles you read before you audition for a reality ARTIST(minus the a) search. Or maybe the bunch of things they teach in America's Next Top Model. Some of the points made sense. But as an active reader (and a communication resarch student!), I declined to make them the dogma of how I could be.

pasukan na uit sa thursday.

huhu..

kelangan nang balikan ang mga readings at homeworks.

paalam buhay tamad.

for others, the new year might be a way to welcome changes. but not for me. i was fed up with those before 2006 ended. changes are not new anymore. changes are cliches for me right now.

this 2007, i want to grow back in time. maybe, i'm just getting tired of trying to outgrow things. i just thought it would be better to be young forever, even just in a subtle way-- be a child.

as part of this going back in time thing... huhuhu.. i dont want digital cameras no more. i want a lomo pop9, dalek super sampler, oktomat or colorsplash (but this is a little more expensive) or a holga. or any lomo camera. but first, i have to learn how to develop photos. haha.. im such a dreamer. perhaps, i have to take film110 or just ask kimie and hannah to teach me.

edit: grabe. sabi ko na nga ba, may lahi ka ni marky cielo kya kahawig mo si jack. baguio boy ka pala. pagakataon nga nman.. may silbi rin naman pala na gising ng ganitong panahon, nalaman ko pa numero mo ng walang effort. malay ko bang ikaw pala yun. wiii..tulugan na (finally!)

BOOM!

when you here the news about how many firework accidents have occured, please remember that my poor brother was part of that statistic.

poor RA..

he burned four of his fingers in his right hand due to a used fountain that had been rekindled. so we went to a district hospital near us. it wasn't like the chaotic scenes in other major hospitals. instead, it was a little depressing because the facilities were.. ahm.. wait, they had no facilities. no x-ray. no surgeons. no ob-gyne. no varied syringes- just those 5cc type.

hayy.. where do the taxes go?

and before we went out of the hospital, a man came there..he was stabbed. ewwness.

but no matter how gory, bloody or sordid this night had been for anyone, the year had still changed. and what more can i say but a wish that next year will be better for each of us.

MWAH!