i hate patterns.

i condemn myself everytime i see myself caught on something that reflects a repetition. and unfortunately, this happens often. too often. i am condemning myself right now. i hate hate hate hate this place where i am.

but hey, i love it too. too much to hate it.

(another blurry entry where nothing is really sure.)

problem is, i have nothing to hold onto this time but the idea of an ideal future thriving with an ideal dream. i dream. all the time. and in my dreams, everything is mine.

and so, i BLOODY hate it when my dreams are being purloined. because they are everything that is mine. they may mean nothing to the real world, but they mean the world to me. my dreams are mine. mine mine mine. no matter how i reiterate that to myself, im still so pissed. i want to snatch my dreams back. but i know, my dreams are mine.

bullshit.

dreams cannot be snatched. but why do i feel so much of a victim?

of that cyclical "thief".
of my forseeable self.
of the illusioned "crime" itself, dreaming.

MASSking myself

(a reflection post on the two weeks in cwts1)


for the last two weeks, i spent my classes in my college, MASSCOMM-- the place where everbody is a butterfly except for one lost caterpillar that is me. during the first day, i had a hard time pulling myself out of the comforts of my solitude. i had no motivation to bring myself back to the real world where the need to socialize is, what else, a NEED. and to think, i'd be dealing with mass comm people, with their colorful wings, flapping anywhere i lay my eyes on.

but, i had no choice but to go to class. so, armed with my kikay kit (in case i have to disguise myself..hahaha), my psychidelic notebook and my ever-so-trusting creative zen nano, i went there, expecting nothing but a boring day full of blows that will reiterate that i am in the wrong place of the university.

then..NEWSFLASH!

no matter how i tried to deny it, my first day was actually fun. of course, everything i thought about the people there, their being butterflies, were real. i found myself listening from what they have to say. they were sensible people, actually. they exceeded my low expectations (HAH! im bad!). but that doesnt mean that i immediately became another butterfly and instantly became one of them. i did not. i was so hesitant to talk. im so afraid of being mistaken as a nonsense person by simply stating what was already obvious (like what their long speeches were made of! bad again!).

everything they said could just be processed mentally by anyone from UP. but i dont want to be JUST like anyone from UP. i want to be distinct. and so, i can not catch myself plagarizing the common answer to a common query. i must think differently, deeper than anybody else.

i only spoke twice. obviously, they gave me a hard time. im not really THAT distinct YET. but i believe, even with those two short statements, i did not fail to make myself heard. (OK, im being too boastful here..pardon! :O)

the following days, there were no group discussions anymore. i was spared. yey!one time, our class was supposed to be held in the audi and i came in early. i had no one to talk to because gelene was not there yet and ruth was busy talking with her other friends (and i have no hostility whatsoever about it! it takes a lot of practice to exercise that kind of patience, and understanding too. i understand ruth because i know her too well. it's not really a problem with me. :D). i was so annoyed by the buzzing of their voices, their laughs with varying melodies and tones. Oh wait. i described them as if they were music to my ears. THEY WERE NOT. so, being the girl scout i was (ok. i was never a girl scout, just using the icon of being a person who is always prepared! haha), i finally used my secret weapon-- my mp3 player! yey! as their voices grew louder, my thumb would press the button to make their annoying voices be lost in the drum parts of Weezer's We Are All On Drugs (yeah!).

everytime they had time to socialize and for me, to wait, i would set-up my secret weapon and transport myself to the introvert-forgiving world of mp3s. and as their existence faded from my senses, i was hearing myself laugh inside, with the feeling of revenge.

why am i so angry with them anyway?

OH NO NO! i may seem angry but i am not. i just feel that i am different from them and i NEVER want to feel the need to be like them.

as i surveyed the audi one time, i realized that every person on that room was interesting. each of them has a personality they own. they dont hesitate to show or TALK about who they are and what they think, although sometimes, they were not even worth hearing.

this summer, the CWTS program of our college was biased to comm res-- my course. the speakers and the lessons were mostly inclined with it, and of course, with volunteerism and citizenship as well. the program was so far from rubbish. it was so enlightening. i even found myself quoting the speakers. i was moved by the things that some of them said. confidently, i could say that today, i did not get out of the audi empty. (because apart from the lessons, i even acquired the way they speak, mixed with gelene's style! OH NO! o yun naman di ba?!)

and another thing, it was reaffirmed by the commres grads that i what i would want to do someday is indeed related with my course! yey! i became more excited to get my majors and learn more! wheee..

so no more hesitations anna lee. you are indeed on the right track. and even if you are not a butterfly like them, you can still crawl your way to the top!

and just like what Gelene would say..
"let's get it on!"
wahahaha!

welcome back

im feeding on other people's problems right now.

this is such an achievement for my liking to be compassionate. im
winning back that part of me. and at the same time, losing something i have
learned recently-- that is, to be happy.

but never mind. happiness only made me feel alone.

at least in unhappiness, i have everyone else beside
me.

forgive my discontenmentt.

im just being weird.

sorry.

ten people..united by one soap!

PUERTO GALERA! wheee.. ansaya!

naisip ko, antanda na namin talaga at nakarating kami dun..
bitin pa nga eh!

(hmmm..ang hirap mamili ng pics na ippost!)

sa mabatong part ng aming secluded beach

malayo sa mga rowdy at drunk people ng white beach.

sunday na yan.. sa labas kami nagsshower.

co-ed ang shower na yan tas may hose pa. may time nga,

may outsider pa na nakiligo!

ganyan kami ka-close!

sunday, banana boat ride! nagpicturan kami after na naming sumakay...saya!

it was so fun!

kahit pa nasugatan ako at nagdrip ang blood na orange (?) sa tuhod ko..

at kahit pa muntik malunod ang 2 digicam..saya!

sana next outing makasama na kau!

"balisong"

Your face lights up the sky on the highway.
Someday, you'll share your world with me someday.
You mesmerize me with diamond eyes;
I try to fool myself to think I'll be alright.
But I am losing all control -
My mind, my heart, my body and my soul

Never in my life have I been more sure,
So come on up to me and close the door.
Nobody's made me feel this way before;
You're everything I wanted and more.

To speak or not to; where to begin.
Your great dilemmas I'm finding myself in.
For all I know you only see me as a friend.
I try to tell myself wake up fool; this fairy tale's got to end.

Never in my life have I been more sure,
So come on up to me and close the door.
Nobody's made me feel this way before;
You're everything I wanted (more)

You're everything I wanted


_____________________

hindi ko na maalala pero sa mtv ko yata napanood yung interview kay rico blanco and the rest of rivermaya. tinanong sila kung bakit "Balisong" yung title ng kantang ito.

may gig daw kasi sila sa Batangas nun tas humihingi ng pasalubong yung isa niyang friend. kaso hindi sila nakabili kasi naging busy sila. so, ginawa nilang balisong yung title ng kanta na 'to-- in exchange sa pasalubong na dapat ay ibibili niya dun sa friend niya.

alam niyo na siguro yan, pero whatever. gusto ko lang ulitin para

inaanyayahan ko kayong magpersonality exam!

it's so boring at home.

magdrowing, yan lang ang nagagawa ko sa bahay!

hayyy..

__________

INFPs never seem to lose their
sense of wonder. One might say they see life through rose-colored glasses. It's
as though they live at the edge of a looking-glass world where mundane objects
come to life, where flora and fauna take on near-human qualities.

Highly creative, artistic and
spiritual, they can produce wonderful works of art, music and literature. INFPs
are natural artists. They will find great satisfaction if they encourage and
develop their artistic abilities. That doesn't mean that an INFP has to be a
famous writer or painter in order to be content. Simply the act of "creating"
will be a fulfilling source of renewal and refreshment to the INFP. An INFP
should allow himself or herself some artistic outlet, because it will add
enrichment and positive energy to their life.

___________

If you're wondering, what an INFP is, well that's the personality type of yours truly based from the Jung test. this and the similar exams kept kimie and me awake til 5am once. they are that amazing!

i am encouraging all of you to take this personality exam!

[link] here's the exam link

[link] and here's one of the more useful sites to inerpret the results

dream fest!

that is so great of you people. ignoring my post when it is too mushy.
hahaha.. honestly, salamat! you are encouraging me to stray away from such things. and even if you cant fully rob me off my right to be sentimental, at least i will not spill it here. at least.

ok, so let's get down to business.
kanina, sobrang dream fest ang tulog ko!

napanaginipan ko ang puerto galera at banana boat! wahaha.. natawa talaga ako kasi edi unang group daw muna yung sumakay tas part ng group na yon si kimie. tas sabi nia, akala lang daw madali pero napakahirap daw pag gumagalaw na! hahaha.. kinabahan tuloy ako! bka maulit ang trauma ko dahil sa ice skating eh. ewww!

anu p bang npanaginipan ko?
nakalimutan ko na pla yung iba. basta, habang nanaginip kasi ako, kinakabisado ko sila. kaso kasi anghaba na ng araw kaya nakalimutan ko rin. except ang panaginip na ito:

kasi may pwesto daw kami ni KATE sa divisoria. so weird. tas guess kung sinong customer namin?! si PARIS HILTON lang naman! wahaha.. tas inaapi-api daw namin siya. once nga may binili daw siya sa amin tpos binaba ko sa isang lalagyan yung shinopping niya tpos sabi niya sa akin na pasigaw kung bakit ko raw binaba yun dun. edi sinigawan ko rin siya na wag siyang maginarte dahil san ba siya nagsshopping, sa divisoria lang naman eh! tas edi yun nagtawanan kaming tatlo.

tas may second installment pa ang Paris Hilton dream namin. so parang naglakwatsa kaming 3 nila kate. ang-weird nga kasi parang laman ang diwa ko ng katawan ni Ashlee simpson tpos si kate ay nung isang finalist sa american idol.. hindi ko alam name eh. tas kumatok daw kami sa isang bahay tapos habang chinichika namin yung may-ari, pumuslit si Paris sa loob at nagnakaw ng 3 cherries! weird. o tapos bgo siya lumabas, nahuli siya kaya tumakbo kami.

last eksena with Paris. edi kumain naman daw kami tapos si kate, sabi nia may isshare daw siya. tas parang anseryoso nia talga. sbi ni kate, bababa daw from Baguio si lorine para kausapin kami na lumayo kay Paris. ayun..ewan angweird ah!

ay! naalala ko na ang pinakamahaba kong dream!

ayan pauwi na raw ako from sm tas nakatulog daw ako sa bus! at paggising ko, asa Valenzuela na raw ako. tas bumaba daw ako sa parang isang mall tas tinawagan ko si Papa para mgpasundo. edi pumasok muna ako sa mall. tapos naisip ko munang magbasa sa national bookstore. kaso, sa 2nd floor yung mga books. tas walang stairs sa loob ng store. so lumabas ako ng national at tinanaw kung san may stairs na malapit dun sa 2nd floor. tpos hindi ko mahanap yung stairs na nagllead sa 2nd floor ng national. kasi tuwing umaakyat ako, yung 2nd floor na napupuntahan ko ay isang lamay, as in patay. as in ilang beses nangyari yun. sobrang naffrustrate na nga ako eh! sa huli, hindi ko nakita yung tamang hagdan. pero nasundo rin ako ng tatay ko.

ayun..angweird.
well, yes, im that weird and i value strangeness!

"HE'S OUT TO PROVE HE'S GOT NOTHING TO PROVE"

waw! Napoleon Dynamite was a blast (pun intended)!

tawa kami nang tawa ni kimie habang si kate ay tulog sa kabilang couch! andaming weird scenes na parang tinatanong ko na yung sarili ko kung tama ba ang desisyon naming panuorin ito. pero in the end, natapos rin namin at iniwan niya kaming nakangiti ng kimie (habang si kate ay tulog pa rin!)

nakakarelate ako kay Napoleon! hindi sa weird niang mundo, hindi sa kanyang red afro... pero dun sa mindset nia na taking no responsibility of fitting in. dahil para sa kanya, lahat sila'y mga mumunting f*cking idiots/retarded lamang! (kahit butterfly pa sila, idiots pa rin! wahahaha)

(pero sana naman ay hindi ako kasing bano ni Napoleon sa portraits!)

sa mga di pa nakakapanuod, panuorin niyo!
tas abangan nio si pedro!
anggwapo nun!!


________________________________________
just take me back to the start

just a simple thought.
a deux.
murmuring into my ears.
elevates onto a ringing
surrealistically changing.
lost control somewhere
under the moon's grief,
zapped myself wholly.
and now all i can do is pray:
"omit thou away."
jab me to my awakening
and tell me to get lost.
show me the pits of these
overacity is indeed unnerving,
not to mention decieving.

drowing lang ang lahat!

i want a sudden change of image.

ginupit ko bangs ko! sadsad na siya.
maikli talaga.
pangit actually, pero masaya ako.
wahahahaha!

delikado talaga pag wala akong magawa!
hehehe..

pero pwede ko namang itago sa madla ang sadsad kong bangs kung gusto ko.
ang galing noh?
3-in-1 ang buhok ko.
parang kape.
mapait.

nonsense.

pinakita ko kay mama yung bangs ko tas tinanong ko sa kanya kung may nagbago ba. sabi niya, nagmukha daw akong 16 years old! hayyy..pathetic. isang taon lang ang nabawas sa age ko! nyihhh..

tapos sabi ko sa kanya, tignan niya yung pic kasi yun yung gusto kong gayahin na image. tas natawa siya ng malakas tas sabi niya:



"eh komiks yan eh!"


onga anna lee! gumising ka! drowing lang yan! eh bakit ba?! eh gusto ko talaga eh! tsaka drowing lang naman lahat eh. hah?! anggulo ko noh? onga.. parang ansaya kung drowing ka noh? pwede mong burahin ang mga mali sayo tapos pwedeng piliin kung sino partner mo, kung anung pose nio.. yikeeeeeee! hahaha.. ambaliw ko!

basta basta.. gusto ko ng bangs na sadsad.. huhuhu..kaso wala naman akong noo! Ruth! share..lagi kasi kayong nagrereklamo ni kate eh! hehehe

gusto kong bumalik sa pagkabata o kahit mas bumata man lang ang image ko! waaah! this is pathetic- to pursue something that contrdicts time, something that contradicts what the world conspires with. masyado silang makapangyarihan. gusto kong magpigtails! anung mga bagay ba tong mga pinag-iiisip ko?! ang-hirap kasi ng walang ginagawa eh!

<---finished product!
mukhang hindi successful! pero like what i've said, masaya ako!









_______
image by artgerm

get out of ignorance.

ignorance should just be a transition state. it should not be a point where anyone would reside.

considering the determinist point of view (that all things are caused by something other than free will), containing yourself in ignorance will make you left behind. because if you continue to be unaware of everything or even just something happening around or inside you, the possibility of being washed away by other people's endeavors will surely come too often.

so take my advice here and be vigilant.

because remember, those people who tell you that ignorance is a bliss are either ignorant people themselves or cruel people wishing that you remain one so that they can push you in anyway they want.

______
photo by kittynn

(nakakakonsensya lang magnakaw sa mga artists ng wala man lang acknowledgements eh.. hannah! mang-acknowledge ka rin! hehehe)

let's pretend this is postsecret.blogspot.com

tidbits

maliliit na piraso ng mga nakaraang araw (in no particular order)..

• nung friday, nagshooting sa amin ang Qtv tapos sumayaw ang baywalk bodies sa tapat ng bahay namin! OMG! andaming squatter boys na dumayo tapos hindi ako makalabas ng compound kasi susuungin ko kailangan ang daan na puno ng MABABANGONG mga bata... so great. eh nun pa naman, imimeet ko sila kate sa sm pero sabi ko sandali lang ako, pagdating na lang ako maliligo! gash! ambango ko pa rin kumpara sa kanila. GASH TALAGA!

• hahaha! ang gwapo nung kapatid ng bago kong tito (kakakasal lang nila!). itago na lang natin siya sa pangalang joseph ainza (tagung-tago ah!). angganda ng katawan! malamang payat, ako to eh, hindi si imma! pero pag wala siyang shirt, defined ang muscles!

• GASH! antanda ko na! kabilang na ako sa pwedeng sumalo ng bouquet! tas humirit ako sa photographer: "bata pa po kami, hindi pa po kami mag-aasawa!" at eto ang sagot sa akin:"ang bata, yung bagong panganak!" rarrrr.. at alam nio ba kung sinong nakasalo?! waaaaaaaaaaa! ako tas yung garter eh si joseph! waaaaa..

theoretically! yun dapat ang mangyayari kung hindi ako nag-follow up na hirit: "bigay nio na lang po sa kanila (dun sa isang bridesmaid na may jowa)!" tas utu-uto naman, binigay nga. sayang! may kiss pa naman! hahaha joke lang!

• my creative zen nano is eating my time. crunch crunch.. (bwahaha! nakakaadik!)

• yung chuva-chuva ko nung elem na bigla na lang nawala after ng grad namin ay ginoogle ko, tapos antaray! DOST scholar. tpos yung nanay niya na natapunan ko pa ng soup nung retreat namin ay councilor ng Lupao, Nueva Ecija.. alam nio ba kung saan un? samahan nio naman ako! please.. hindi pwedeng magpatuloy ang buhay ko ng di ko natutuldukan ang chuva-chuva na yon! yaaaaaack.. OA! SAMAHAN NIO KO!!! naniniwala na ba kau sa stalking powers ko?! clsu siya ngaun.. shit! sayang, walang people search sa site ng clsu!

• sa sobrang pagkadesperate ko, pati drowing book ginawa kong diary. yay! excited na tlaga akong mamatay para makita na ng madla ang secrets ko! wheee

heaven finally dropped my parcel-- colored pencils!

wheee..

i sketched this one last april 12th. i hate the guy's arm. somebody from deviantart commented that it looked uber short but im too lazy to fix it!

i know, i know.. the pose is weird.

_________________

"anyway, when the time comes, he'll just leave the job to pain once again. he'll make pain clot my wounds until my bleeding will subside due to the cold permafrost"

sa palagay niyo ba maiintindihan ng isang ten yr old girl yan? my sister read my drawing book, the one that served as my makeshift journal before. im so disturbed. i have to be a better sister to her or else.. or else.. i dont know.