OPEH HOUSE

in this time of great confusion and chaos, ngaun natin kailangan ng love life. Bawat isa sa atin, kailangang ma-inlove para we'll be less interested sa kabulukan ng lipunan. (errr.. bat ba ako nagtataglish?!)

nagegets nio ba?
pag inlove taung lahat,

• mas pproblemahin natin ang isusuot sa date at kung anung ireregalo sa monthsary ( hindi ko alam spelling! daaah... hindi ko naman kasi nararasan yan eh!)...
• manghaharana kaysa sumigaw ng chant...
• gagawa ng love letter kaysa sa banner
• at higit sa lahat...maglllovapalooza kesa people power!

hayyy..nakakfrustrate na ang bansang itu! an-chuva masyado..

pasensya na kayo, wala na akong maisip na ibang paraan kaya ka-jologan na lang 'tong pinagsasasabi ko.

kanina, nahatak kami sa isang march, hanggang quezon hall lang naman. pero hindi.. hindi pa rin ako greatly moved. hindi pa rin ako masyadong interesado sa pagiging aktibista. sariling buhay ko pa rin ang iniisip ko sa 98% ng oras na nilalagak ko sa mundong ito..selfish!

how's me?
hayy..nakakakonsensya ng mga iniisip ko sa ngayon. kadiriiiiiiiiiiiii... kadiri talaga! ai naku! hindi na talaga nakakatuwa ang takbo ng predator mind ko. roarrrrr!


announcement sa mga friends na non-HIV:
hahaha...lam nio ba ang idea ng "open house"? yun tipong magpapapasok ka ng mga guests sa isang restricted area..

gusto ko lang i-apply ang idea sa journals ko! haha..wanna peek?

tag lang kau!

haha..wala lang akong magawa sa buhay ko. gusto ko lang magshare ng mga bagay-bagay.
sa HIV friends, ahhmm hindi na ito magiging interesante para sa inyo kaya exempted na kau! wag magtatampo ah!

when the light turns itself off

is there really such a connection about me being born 3 days before halloween and the fact that i love dark things a lot?

tracing back the life i have lived, i cant find anything that could have brought my fancy for such colors. because even before the tragedy of him came unto me, i have always liked dark things. i dont really know why.

i seem so much of a happy person outside, laughing a lot and joking all the time. but something inside me eats everything i show, making a hollow dark space, making me think about dark things. i feel that i dont have the right to like things that exudes hate because i have such a happy life in general.

if people can only see how dark most of my journal entries are, they will know why i am bothered. i only ponder about my losses, my sadness and my fears. i dont content myself on the situation. i love to see the dark side of things. maybe beacuse i find this habit as a counter-attack to my personal theory that expectation kills. because by opening my eyes to the possibility of pain, i instantly widthraw my attachment to something.

i believe we all fear pain. but having endured so much during the tragedy of him entering my life, pain and i eventually became friends. we constantly encourage each other.

ahhh..the last paragraph contradicted everything i have written! now, that's the reason why i am bothered. i learned how to enjoy the pain lingering in me, as much as how i try to avoid it.

watever.


___________

One night there was something in my pants, like blood. My mom said, oh,
hell, your period. This is where all the trouble starts. She was right.

that line came from the movie prozac nation. that was not really my fave line. i cant find the exact words but my fave lines sounded like..

elizabeth asked rafe why he likes her and why he won't leave her.

rafe said: because there's nothing in you that you dont feel strongly to the depth of your soul..


something like that. i really found myself on that statement. i am desperately hoping for someone who could see me as that. but not a rafe, because eventually, rafe left elizabeth for that same reason.

sabi ko kasi sau, FIND ME na! hoyyyy.. find me!
ahhhhhhhhh..bat ka pa ba kasi nagpahanap sa akin ayan tuloy im deeply disturbed right now..
oo ikaw yun!
sino pa ba?

ang aking mga hiling:

huhu..

nagiging habit ko na ang mag-online para lang tumingin sa deviant art. naiinggit ako sa kagalingan ng mga tao dun. nakakainsecure sila. angagaling nila. sana ganun rin ako kagaling!

mahal nio ba ako?

bigyan nio naman ako ng colored pencils oh! yung faber castell ah..sige nah! gusto ko talaga!

please?

tsaka nga pla, mauubos na yung journal ko, 14pp na lang! bigyan nio rin ako! sigeeeeeeeeeeeeee nah!


tsaka kung marunong kayo ng vector art, turuan nio naman ako! naffrustrate na ako... hayy..ambilis ko ata m-frustrate sa mga bagay ngaun. pati pagiging 17 ko pinoproblema ko. eh kasi eh! gusto ko manood ng brokeback! my DVD ka ba? peram!

___
it's weird how things turned out. finally, "it" has crossed the line. im thinking about it almost all the time. it's kind of exhausting that i am repeating the pathetic cycle. im making myself laugh again. this make-believe joke will again haunt me someday. but i really can't help it. it's such a fairy tale, minus the they-lived-happily-ever-after thing.

my last wish for this entry is simple, yet impossible:
FIND ME.

hauntings

"I Miss You"

(I miss you, I miss you)
Hello there, the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in the background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
We'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends
We'll wish this never ends

(I miss you, I miss you)
(I miss you, I miss you)

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted
Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
Stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you, I miss you)
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you, I miss you)


(I miss you, I miss you)

watever.

ang gulo ng pilipinas.

sobrang puro pulitika na lang ang naririnig sa balita. ang hirap tuloy malaman kung sino yung totoong nagmamahal sa ating sordid nation.

naiirita na ako! lalo na kanina sa news nung nakita ko si Cory..lintik na aquino yan. nakakainis! kung humiling siya kay gloria na bumaba sa pwesto, akala mo andami niang nagawa para sa bayan. such a shame. tapos yung nag-kudeta sa kanya, yun rin naman ang nagkukudeta ngaun. so that means, pareho lang ng reklamo ang militar sa administrasyon niya at ni gloria. kaya wala
talaga siyang karapatan!

nakakainis pa yung mga taong mga mahihirap. suporta sila nang suporta kay erap or FPJ o kung sinu-sino pa, samantalang yung mga taong yun rin yung nagpapahirap sa kanila. nakukuntento sila sa mga bayad para mag-rally sila..hindi nila gets na imbis na para sa pulitika, dapat ang perang yun ang pang-livelihood programs, para sa mga long-term solutions sa poverty para matigil na ang panloloko ng mga ungas na yun.

nakakainis. bakit ba kailangang may extreme left at extreme right? naisip ko, siguro tama naman ang mga adhikain nila. kung iisipin ang mga taong yan eh matatalino pero bakit hindi nila ma-gets na hindi tama yung paraan na sinusuggest nila? well, ako rin walang maisip na tamang paraan eh. mahirap talaga. kaya habang tayong mga may mabuting nais para sa pilipinas ay nag-iisip ng tamang paraan, yung mga mapang-abuso naman ay nag-eenjoy sa pwesto nila.

grrrrrrrrrr..

kung iisipin, napakahopeless na ata. kasi kung aasa tayo sa batas, eh sino ba gumagawa ng batas? yung legislative na binubuo lang naman ng mga mayayaman at nagpapayamang mga pamilya. nakakainis! sila na lang ang yumayaman at umuunlad habang ang karamihan sa Pilipino eh nagugutom at nagmememorize na lang ng lasa ng pagkain kasi hindi sila maka-afford na kumain 3x a day. samantalang ang mga kongresista na inaidol ng masa, nagpapacater lang, galing pa sa europe ang chef! ahhhhhhhhhh! kainis!

pero sabi nga ng prof ko sa polsci14, let's not lose hope. kasi nga naman, hope na lang ang meron tayo. di bale, mamamatay rin ang mga nagpapabulok sa lipunan. kaya sana yung mga matitira, mahalin na ang Pilipinas.

sana, tuwing may gagawin ka, isipin mo muna kung makakabuti ba yun sa pilipinas. ha?

textropolis

it was a nice experience.

at first, i was hesitant to enter the place kasi ang una naming nakita ni kate na bakas ay isang waiter na todo-waiter ang outfit tas may dala-dalang glasses of pomelo juice. at take note, asa wine glass ang juice ah! then i heard a guitar playing. i saw a lot of people, one of which i recognized, classmate namin sa FA.

una kong pinansin yung footwear niya kasi i was just wearing my humble beachwalk. tsaka earlier that day kasi i had an encounter with a man, a stranger, na kapareho ko ng tsinelas. nakakahiya pa kasi mas malinis pa yung kanya! errm..nakakahiya. buti na lang, in UP outfits din sila. so aun. pumila na kami ni kate sa food!

napanood na ba ninyo yung closer? naalala nio yung scene na exhibit ni julia roberts? ayun. parang ganun ang eksena doon sa exhibit, except yung mga tao ay hindi dressed-up. except ang prof namin ni kate. singaporean dishes ata ang sinerve. tapos ang tanging inasam ko na eclairs ay hindi ko nakamit dahil mejo nahuli na ata kami. i just stared at the other peopele slowly munching on the sweeteness. errr..bibili nga ako bukas!

ayun ang saya!

ansaya talaga. artistic high na naman.


then, while we were entertained by an art piece, a girl approached us. "that's my work. do you like it?" men, she was cute. hehehe.. she had blue contacts on her eyes, and like me, she was wearing black. sabi ni kate, she was surprised daw kasi amputi nya talaga tsaka bigla na lang siyang umappear! hehe

we shared a couple of statements. in english yun ah! she was so nice and confident and so sure about her piece. i even asked her how did she made it (im not really sure if im going to call it just one piece, because it is made up of a number of canvas..watever.). haha..ang galing ko, my guess was right.

aside from that girl's work, i also found something else to be great, or maybe disturbing. the title was overlooked. you want to see it?

go to the back of film center..andun yung exhibit (pero wala "siya"..awwwwww)!

-------

salamat sa inasal kate!
tsaka sa time crisis..tsaka sa pagsakay sa kakikayan ko!

lorine!
wala lang! ampangit mo! BEH!!!

leo!
pagaling ka!

ruthgeleneangelinekimie
haloooooooooo..wala akong masabi! antok na ko..

sama na kasi kau sa wednesday!
pleeeeeeeeeeeease?

MUSHY DAY!

maligayang araw ng mga mushy sa inyo!!

dapat talaga, clouds lang gagawin ko...tas naamaze ako kasi naging mukhang paa...kaya pinanindigan ko na na si cupid yon! excited na ako sa valentine's day! hmm..reason? dahil wala lang...hindi ko naman anniversary (pakasaya kayo!!) at wala rin naman akong ka-intertwine..pero basta! sana lahat sumaya!

LOST: $120

linggo ngayon..weird. enjoy ang araw ko.

maaga akong nagising, tas naligo tapos nagsimba pero 15mins lang ako tumayo sa simbahan. uy! hindi yan ang dahilan kung bat ako enjoy ah! siguro yan ang unang ko simba after 3 or 4 weeks. anu na bng nangyayari sa spiritual life ko?!

friends pa rin naman kami ni God..pero hindi na nga lang kami masyado gumigimik..you know, text text na lang. kaya nga kanina, nilubos ko na, kahit hindi namin inulit ang misa, nagdasal ako ng mataimtim kahit mukhang gulat na gulat ang nanay ko na lumuhod ako at pumikit. hindi niya siguro akalaing ganito nila ako pinalaki..haha.. salamat na lang sa kanila at may anna li sa mundo!

tapos, dumeretso naman kami sa pampanga. dati nababadtrip ako everytime umuuwi ako kasi walang alam sabihin ang mga tita ko kundi:

"oi anna li! tumaba ka na naman!"

pero kanina..masaya kasi..napatunayan ko na sa sarili ko na marunong na talaga akong mag-bike! tapos nambulabog pa kami ng orange na palaka at kumanta ako ng fall to pieces habang malakas na umiihip ang hangin sa mga tanim na palay at sa magnificent mt. arayat. nagbonding rin kami ng mga makukulit kong pinsan na all boys na angggwapo! pero siguro hindi sila nag-enjoy kasama ako kasi inaagawan ko sila ng bike! ahh basta! pati panghuhuli ng tutubi eh pintulan ko! ansaya talagang maging bata!

tapos, nag-highly intellectual talk din kami ng lolo at tito ko tungkol sa college stuffs. hayy..ansaya! perfect na sana kung hindi lang sana nawalan ng $120 ang tita ko! wah! grabe..grabe na ang materialistic drive ng mga tao sa ngaun. imagine, buong pamilya kaming andun tapos asa kwarto yung money...obviously, isa sa amin ang nagnakaw..at may vague idea kami kung sino. nahuhurt nga ako para dun sa taong yun kasi hindi siya nabigyan ng benefit of the doubt..kaso nga lang history repeats itself din..kaya parang siya nga talaga.

grabe talaga as in, kahit kasama na namin sa kotse yung taong yun, nagpaparinig pa rin yung tita at tito ko. gusto ko na nga silang patahimikin kaya sinabi kong:

"ako nga tita, nung nanakawan ako, nagpasalamat na lang ako kasi ako yung ninanakawan at hindi ako yung kinailangang magnakaw."

tumawa lang sila..tas tumahimik.

sayang..bibigyan pa naman sana ako ng tita ko na yun ng money pambili ng bag. wala na tuloy..hayy..

pero yung taong yun, alam ko andami rin niyang pinagdadaanang crisis. ansakit isipin kasi parang madalas ko ring kaasaran ang taong yun, but this time, naawa ako sa kanya. alam ko naman na hindi niya talaga nature ang magnakaw. kasalanan ito ng taong mahal niya ng sobra eh! NAKAKAINIS! walang puso yung taong yun! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

kaya kayo, pag mag-aasawa kayo, siguraduhin niyong mamahalin kayo ng totoo at tapat! hindi yung harap-harapan kaong lolokohin pero wala kaung choice dahil siya yung nagpapakain sa inyo. damnation!

paano naaatim ng taong iyon ang kasalanan niya!?!!?

nakakainis!
pag mayaman na ko, papatay ko yon eh! jowk!

bahala na si God sa kanila..it's none of my business..unless mawalan na naman ako ng pera!!

Stare boi+look-back girl

(You probably know yourself) Stare boi,

I just want to express my displeasure to the kind of approach you are using to, err, I have no idea what it is. Or maybe, I have a couple of improbable ideas (because considering the know-it-all that I am, I could never ever lack an idea about something) but they are just too far from occurring because we are bounded by earthly realities. I said we. I don���t want to take this all on you. You freak me out because��色�色�色��..yeah that���s it.

Sans the niche where we are assigned to sop in everything around, we might have already started a quest. That is of course, if you are not bounded by something that binds everybody I like apiece.

Apologies and nothing else���that���s all I can give. Like you, I am not philanthropic enough. I���m not willing to bestow something I could not flourish further. And in your case, you only give me enough, your stares only give me enough--- enough reasons to ponder about you. I mean, ponder, ask myself but never try to see you closely (the earthly reasons coincide with these statements once again, ergo; it must be followed by another apology).

I once wrote that glances are the most painful reply to a stare, and I still stand by that statement. Let me just add something else: but when she looks back, staring no longer stays as a chain, it becomes a choice.


--Look-back (-and-sometimes-smile-without-you-responding) girl

pathos:bagong salita mula sa FA prof

i am indulging on the different forms of shallow pursuit for uncomplicated admiration. this is my advance remedy to the sickly romantic air brought about by the nearing day for happy people striding or sitting just anywhere, intertwined.

not that this happens only during febuary, but this time, it is intensified.

---by my extreme "touchiness".

hahahahaha..that's my own term for describing myself whenever i transform into a monster craving for something to feel giddy about.

but at the back of my mind, pathos is something that's preventing me from being so proud about it. i feel that my life is so boring right now that i have to push myself from thinking about obscure things such as who to crush onto next. yeah yeah..it's really pathetic.

hmmm.. but those thoughts are just secluded, somewhere on the lobes of my little head. im still enjoying every bit of my ready-made happiness. thanks to the three people that makes my UP day complete.

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