no no no.

im going nowhere.

i have thse countless thoeries of why am feeling such, why am i doing so.. im doomed. because the question playing in my head right now is: what's real in all of these?

do i have a self that will justify what is the truth from the lie, the theory from the fact? or, the thing that is me is just a collection of these unsure and inaccurate ideas that my mind has generated?

do i have an identity that'll qualify the answers that i give myself as the right ones? or, do the questions themselves are the only things that define who i am?

i really have no clue what to tell myself just so i can stop all these ponderings from invading my thoughts. last night i was just indulging in lower levels of giddiness. now, im already questiong the value system regarding the source of such. maybe, im digging too much out of myself. i just want to make my gray life to be gaudy and rich and luscious. who wants a boring life anyway?
i know, i dont want that.

so, as a consequence of that, i victimize myself with constant blows of questioning, sprinkled with magnified emotions and there it goes, i fly. i fly into the gates of my own made-up world where it is only myself that i have. and there on that exile, i wish for someone to share the vast space of my own idea of perfection.

but like what i have said, it's just my own world. it's not recognizable to anyone. and to everyone, it does not exist. if that's the case, how then, can i convince anyone to go there?

how?

maybe, unconsciously, i know nobody wont come. dreaming, solitude, exile, feeling that i am empty--- maybe these things make-up my own world. and maybe, these to me are the definition of perfection.

or maybe not. ewan.

and to my main question, what's real in all of these?
nothing.
i guess, i'll just content myself on that for now.




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ay such a tale of woe.. ang ginaw kasi!