(pay attention sa oras..haha)

lame attempt at vector.

hahahahahaha

SUMMER

whee!

it was not even a one nght stand.

i saw him once but i didn't fell.

i saw him twice and still i ignored him.

then, he saw me once. he saw each of us. innocence was all over our curious faces. and then he grinned, a devlish one.

and then finally, i fell, not in love but in the trap of reality.somewhere down the twisted road of my journey, i will eventually meet him, that we will face each other.

i figured that i must prepare myself. he must not caught me unwary.

once, twice, thrice, eternity.i tried. but i am an individual living in the comforts of the present.planning is not a part of my plans.

Oh, mister asyllogistic argument, why did you do this to me?why?!
why?!?!?!!?

you have destroyed the only dream i dream not because my heart screams it. you made me stay an hour longer just so you can indulge sucking up all the hopes i have. you almost gave a stiff neck. you made me go down the stairs staring up just so i can stop my watery eyes from pouring rain down my oily face. you almost made me cry while riding a jeep back to sm north. you even made me realize that the cash left on my pocket wouldn't be worth spending, because even money cant buy me passing grades for our dreaded meeting.

mr. asyllogistic argument, i have never met anyone like you. you are beyond compare-- from mr. patron-client approach, from mr. chiaroscuro, from mr. mcluhan. you, together with mr. quarks, you gained satisfaction as you watched me sigh in hopelessness.

how dare you!?

i feel like posting.

but i dont feel like i can share anything i am thinking about.

i want to stray away from mushyness.

but my nocturnal self is not cooperating with me.

"i wish i could bury my recent thoughts and then light a
cigarette, enjoy the coughing of my virgin lungs and let nicotine be my object
of desire. at least, maraming sigarilyo sa tindahan, eh si _____ iisa
lang."

___________
my drawing, later. ayaw kasing makita yung smoke pag iniscan eh.. grr. anyways, wala naman kaung namiss maxado. it's not that special, but it makes me happy. nakakakonsensya kasi pag special ang nakakapagpasaya sa akin. ai naku! stoppit.

HIV

(oh yes, we still exist.. still functioning! )

cordially invites you to

the mighty

HIV SUMMER OUTING '06

________

Anilao, Batangas

(particularly where? ahmm.. "it's too early to plan!"--kimie)

April 20, 21,22

(if we'll consider the church people's request)

or April 21, 22, 23

(if we'll prioritize our summer classes)

__________

for inquiries, just approach anyone

from us, EIGHT! we're eight! eight eight eight!

from left to right: kimie: kasi maikli ang hair, tsaka nahihilig siya sa ganung kulay ng damit nung nag-ukay2 kami// angeline: anu pa ba, kasi mahilig sya sa GREEN. kunwari na lang hindi pa xa nagpapasalon ah! // kate: kasi matakaw, este, kasi maraming pagkain sa bahay nila!

from left to right: Gelene: kasi hindi straight ang buhok! wahaha..(ESHEI!!!)// anna li: kasi parang yun ata yung pinakamaliit, tsaka baka kasi may magreklamo bkit maitim xa, kaya ako na lang yun! tsaka cute yung background--pool! SWIMMING!// Lorine: kasi may strawberry! hahaha.. peace! tsaka mahaba ang hair!

eto naman ang mga..

BOYS!

hahaha..

si leo yan! gwapo noh?

sino pa bang natitira?

hmmm..
before:

si RUTH! fave color niya kasi ang blue!

(ruth peace! hahaha, isipin mo na langganun kita ka-love! dalawa ang pics mo!)

hindi naman maxadong evident na wala akong magawa sa buhay ko noh!? na-feel ko lang na ansaya magka-vector art sa blog! hahahahaha.. SUMMER!

SAMA KAYO AH!

"ask me for some light and i wil set myself on fire."

i haven't done anything that benefits my studies.
all i did was draw and draw and draw..
and surf. and blog. and sleep. and eat.

last night my prayer went like this:
"Lord please guide those people whose lives are not as idle as mine."

well, i hope everything went well with all of you:
Jonas, sna natapos mo yung paper mo
James, sna napatay mo na ang mother virus at matapos mo ang panpil papers mo with flying colors (edited, paimportante kasi eh! hahaha)
Leo, sna kayanin mo pa ang exams mo
Lorine, sna kung anuman ang dahilan ng pagsara ng blog mo, maayos na sna
Duduy, sna malampasan mo ang maniac monday mo
Hannah, sna matupad mo ang resolution mo
Kate, sna dont lose hope
Imma, sna maubos na exams mo, tska always smile!
at























o sino pa bang may pasanin dyan? share nio lang sa akin, wala kasi akong dala!


___________

binabaligtad ko na naman ang araw at gabi! nga pla, sa mga magdodonate ng journal..RED ALERT: 6 pages na lang..ahhh! dalian nio naman bumili!

people see the world through different ways-- through numbers, through particles, through premisses and conclusions, through words, through lines and colors, through notes and rest, and through anything imaginable. but converging all these ways in order to see a unified version of what is the place we are existing is quite impossible.

these ways that light up our minds are of different wavelengths. although they coincide on some aspects, there are also contradictions. And these contradictions are proofs that perfection can never be achieved. even science would support me when i say that the universe is not perfect. just consider the existence of life. we are here because of an accident, a fault.

so what now?

i guess, the most probable thing that we could all do is accept the imperfections of this world we are assigned to live in, as well as everything in it-- including the imperfections of your romantic interest, of your parents, of the zits on your face, of the influence of the omnipresent constant that is time, of the vague concept of love, of the mood swings you experience, of the lovehandles in your belly, of the complexity of every situation you catch yourself in.

but accepting everything as what they are plainly is boring. you can stop there, yes. but you can also continue to seek the ideals behind these imperfections. you can question yourself, and by seeking answers you once again accept. then you can stop there or question the answer once again.

ideally, you should not bother if the answers you found are right or wrong, because remember, we are trying to accept imperfections here, including our frequent inability to detect what is right or wrong. but that is just an idea. of course, ideas thrive on the mind alone. and ideas are just stars that we gaze upon during a walk. it is still the road we travel in that we should focus the majority of our attention. and besides most of the time, ideas contradict our feelings. and then again, here comes accepting and stopping there or questioning this imperfection further.
i'll stop there.

you must not expect me to answer every imperfection there is. because like all earthlings,i am also bound by questions. ignore me if you wish. i'll just accept it.

by the way, dont confront me with the question that this view is just an excuse for people to make mistakes. you should have known as of now that even if we dont have excuses, we still commit mistakes. and i believe that making sense of these mistakes is better than just regeretting them and letting them haunt us.

i am not trying to dictate how you live your life here. i just want to provide a possible choice. and also, i want to air my own state. i somehow accepted that my present desire is of no question, impossible. and i stopped right there, for the mean time. through the example of this decision, if you wish to listen to my suggestion, i just want to tell you that accepting and questioning is a matter of trusting yourself, because you, of all people must know better what to do, and what to think.

what to feel?

ahmm... that's an imperfection and i dont seek any answer for that.

Cut out your heart and wear it on your sleeve. At least people will know you are half alive.

(hahaha..walang kunek sa entry)

aii naku! wala na naman akong mata kakaiyak ko.. ahhh! hindi ko akalain na mapapaiyak ako ng ganoon dahil lang sa isang pelikula. parang mas marami pa yung volume ng luha na naiyak ko kesa sa iniyak nung lahat ng artista dun sa movie.. hayy.. ansakit sa mata.. may mga times pa nga na talagang humahagulgol na ako, na mas masakit pa yung iyak ko kesa dun sa iyak nung artista. aiii naku buti na lang at mag-isa lang akong nanunuod.. nakakahiya ang kaingayan ng iyak ko! these statements are not mixed with exagerration. ansakit talaga sa dibdib.

taas-noo kong sinasabi na hindi isang romance flick ang nagpaiyak sa akin. hindi ako umiyak dahil nakita ko yung heartbroken self ko dun sa major characters. hindi ako umiyak dahil naranasan ko yung pain nung mga characters. umiyak ako dahil yun ang dapat. wala nang iba pang dapat maging reaksyon sa movie na yun kundi umiyak. ahhhhhhh.. ansakit talaga. may subliminal messages ata ang pelikulang yon eh! wala akong makitang obvious reason eh..

ayy, hindi ko pa pala nasasabi kung anung movie yon..

magnifico. oh yesss.. yun nga. tear-jerker!

una kong narinig na nagsabing maganda ang movie na yon ay si chrystal. tagal na nun.. malas nga kasi nakwento niya yung ending. siguro kaya sobrang na-appreciate ko yung bawat eksena.. dahil alam ko na yung ending. never akong nanood ng cinema1 dati.. dahil lang sa magnifico. gusto ko kasing umiyak. sabi ko pa sa sarili ko, "naku, im sure iiyak ako dito! excited na ako!" oh men.. nung umiiyak na ko: "anu ba! tama na!" patas pa yan kasi may breaks yung movie, tipong titigil sa isang climactic part tas magsshowbiz news! nakakbitin nga eh.. pero umiyak pa rin ako ulit.

angganda nung movie kasi anggaganda ng mga characters na pinakikilala niya. walang kontrabida. walang tao na ikagaglit mo. walang kidnap scene, walang john lloyd-bea thingy(mga naiyak jan sa close to you ah!! hehehe).. angganda nung character ng bida, tpos galing pa umarte ni jiro. kasi yung character ginawa in such way na hindi siya iiyak para maiyak ka. sobrang na-amaze ako kay magnifico kasi napakabait niyang kuya. magbabago na nga ako kay RA..hehehe.. magiging mas mabait na akong ate!

actually, may kahati si magnifico sa fave charcter ko-- si carlo. hindi ko rin masyadong gets kung bakit eh. pero basta! favorite ko siya! dahil siguro sa.. teka! pag pinanuod nio na lang, isipin nio kung bkit ko siya favorite.(note: walang underlying mushy thing ang dahilan ah!)

anggaling ng script at plot. walang quotable quotes. kahit nga mga artistang naglulupasay sa iyak, wala. walang mga character na mala-philosophers kung magbitiw ng linya. naisip ko, naintindihan nung nagsulat na matalino ang audience na manonood ng pelikula, na kahit wla yung mga yun, eh mararamdaman pa rin nila yung urge na umiyak. at dahil nga sobrang talino ko, sobra rin ang pag-iyak ko! hahaha

hindi ko sinasabing panuorin niyo siya. kinukwento ko lang na napaiyak ako ng magnifico, na hindi pa rin ako manhid pagdating sa mga pelikula. basta kpag nalipat nyo sa cinema1 tas magnifico yung palabas, alalahanin niyo na yun yung movie na nagpaiyak sa akin. pwede niyo ring isipin kung gusto niyong panuorin. pero wag niyong pilitin ang sarili nio dahil lang sinabi kong maganda ah. at in case na-convince ko kaung manuod, please, damahin niyong maige ah?

it's worth your time.

__________
special thanks to kristahhhh... sa pagpapahiram ng internet card!

PURGATORIAL STATE

my colored pencils, where art thou?

my new journal, where art thou?

i seek thee on my dreamless sleep..

where art thou?!?!

an idle life

caloi told me that my life is idle and tht i have to busy myself in order to generate better days than what i was having for the past three days.

i tried.

but the position of whoever it is that would rule my mind is still empty. and so i obtained my so-called purgatorial state. my internal demons are fighting their way back on their baluarte that is me. but then my internal angels are not willing to lose their newly-found advantage associated with him. and so the struggle persists.

i am more inclined now with the good side.
(and i thank Jonas and David for calling me...i had so much fun conversing with you! sana matuloy ang libre mo david!!)

earlier today, i found myself deciding whether to post a very dark entry once again. soooooooooo dark that it would ruin almost every ray of light i have in my life. maybe i would post it someday for viewing purposes,i hope and not because i really mean it.

i even reviewed some related literature-- previous dark diary entries. but instead of relating my present state with what i had while i made them, i found the present as like as chalk as cheese.. different, dissimilar.

then i catched forty winks for three hours.
when i woke up, i reached for the bible i placed years ago near my bed (and haven't moved it since then). i read some passages and found them interesting. i promised myself, from now on i will make it more meaningful to my life.

this day is a struggle..struggle on finding the right side to align myself . i hope this struggle will cease soon because there are some nearing events that are far more important than this cure for such a disease called an idle life.

isa na namang kalokohan

nakakainis..nagkamali ako ng pagppost!
sa lumang blog ko nalagay!

link na lang!
mighty lumang blog

kainis!
may bagong chuva drawing pa naman un..
frustrating ituuuuu.

madame rosa's prophecy

"SCORPIO (Oct.23 - Nov.22)

nagbabalak ka bang lumyo muna kahit pansamantala sa iyong mahal? gawin mo dahil 'yon ang nararapat.

babalik ka pa ba?

oo, dahil sa paglayo mo, magigising siya sa katotohanan.

maswerteng kulay:
puprle maswerteng numero: 2, 18, 29, 31,35 at 37."

i saw this tabloid lying round our sofa just after i finally decided to give up on tim yap's hosting skills. it was risible, mr. yap. im sorry. i grabbed it and thought that i was so pathetic to be interested on such a trivial thing as a horoscope plotted by madame rosa. but i read it anyway.

this is so ridiculous-- making a blog entry about a horoscope and how it has affected me. so selfish. but anyway.. read on.

pangyayaring nagbunsod: i was pondering about it while i was sleeping. i remembered convincing myself that he was so easy to get out of my mind. almost the whole day, i was certain about this. even while i was talking about it, having heard myself, my stand was so firm-- that this is just something i could give up because right at the beginning, i know this is just a foreshadow of another disappointment.

and then at a humdrum moment of sitting somewhere secluded, i had an epiphany. the realization was nothing new to me. actually, it was too old to consider. and this was..the concept of caring for someone else's happiness. comprehend that. CARING for SOMEONE ELSE'S HAPPINESS. comprehend it.one more time.

i had been too selfish recently because i felt so used and battered. i felt that i was deprived of the happiness i deserve. i thought thinking things thoroughly would generate lesser pain. wrong. it just froze my life onto nothing but bitterness.

goodbye permafrost. thanks to madame rosa, i am now ready to stop my "pink sarong" subscription. thanks to you, now i know my winter has gone too long, way too long. the first part of my horoscope became my self-fulfilling belief. hope the other sentences too. never mind the lucky numbers and color.

________

epilogue:

i'll miss you when you do..

but im praying that you will.

everything with a vigan twist

i dont want to reiterate everything i have experienced in vigan just so i can shout about how fun it was. it was such a different experience for me. it was not as i expected it to be.

kahit hindi namin nakita ang mga amazing sights na nakita namin, kahit hindi kami kumain ng masasarap na pagkain na kinain namin, kahit hindi kami tumira sa masayang resort na tinirahan, worth it pa rin siguro ang trip.

ang pinakanagpasaya sa akin ay yung mga companion. favorite friend ko ay si blondey! gustung-gusto ko yung ugali niya..kahit gusto niya pang manuod ng porn sa cable tv! hahaha..ansaya niya talaga kasama! noong una, akala ko hindi ko siya magugustuhan kasi parang antaray niya tas kinakausap lang niya ako para sabihing angganda ng mga suot ko pero later on, sobrang nagkasundo na kami! una naisip ko parang si tim yap talaga siya. sabi niya hindi raw niya idol yun..soulmate daw niya!

second favorite friend ko ay si james. hindi dahil cute siya ah! eh kasi mabait talaga siya kahit gusto niyang agawin yung jumpseat sa akin! tsaka kasi feeling ko gusto niya rin akong friend. hahaha..amfeeling ko talaga! tsaka basta, parang andali kong naiintindihan ang mga point niya. kaming 3 nila blondey, sa mga conversations about other people, parang nagkakaintindihan kami. tsaka nga pala, naappreciate niya kasi ang drawing skills ko! ahaha..am-bias ko noh?!

siyempre favorite friends ko rin sila arlen at ivy. ansaya nila kasama, lalo na nung sa pool, mga joketimes namin! ansaya!

actually, walo kami..yung dalawa naming kasama pa, hindi ko masyadong nagustuhan----hahaha! joke lang! si kate at hannah yun..ayun, same old kate and hannah! ahaha..im so blessed kaya, parang kahit hindi na pla ako nagdala ng pocket money makakasurvive ako! haha..pero salamat rin talaga sa inyong dalawa! alam niyo na iyon kahit di ko na ielaborate pa.

other people?
ayyyy naku, ayoko nang magcomment ng bad sa ibang tao. kasi hindi naman nila kami inaway. kahit pa nakakainis talaga ang pagiging papansin. hayyy..stoppit anna li.

basta! answerte namin kasi may surplus ng mga gwapo! hahahahahahaha..
yun lang ang masasasabi ko.

_____________

When I waited
patiently.
Just to have a
glimpse of the light
that
is not
meant for me.

----an excerpt from gelain's poem

gusto ko nang matapos ang stargazing na to. kaya ko kaya?

current dilemma

kimie..para sau to. haha..

pero siyempre para sa akin rin.

ampathetic na ata masyado pero ayos lang!

andyan naman ang mga friends na walang sawang pinaparamdam sa akin na:

"ok lang yan, hindi ka nag-iisa..kami rin eh!"

wahaha..

bigyan nio na kasi ako ng faber castell colored pencils para magkakulay naman!

PLEEEEEEEEEEASE?!

sana white yung skin ko para hindi mukhang empty yung picture.

part away...fine.

a concept constantly shattered by emotional instability won't stand anything.
a shallow pond has never fooled anyone.
an exhausting cycle, repeated
over and over can shatter the strongest morale.
a life lived with
uncertainties is always satisfying.
but a __________ like this, i NOW doubt
it if it's ever gonna be gratifying.

fill in the blanks.
part away.
do whatever you feel is necessary.
but don't think that i never considered this special. i always did.
but what d heck.
ka-cheapan.
we dont deserve this. all of us, including you.
we used to be better.

i have never put my own burden on any of your shoulders. when im hurt, i dont hurt anyone. i just hurt myself. dont treat me like this. i dont deserve it. at least not from all of you. i had been the best i could be to all of you. cant you see how i bleed right now? of course not. you only see yourself. i dont deserve this. pucha. pucha. you cant do this to me.

dont expect me to kneel in front of you, to beg you. i invested everything have on this. and now that you want your way out of here, where was everything i thought i have gained? you all think cutting myself because i was heartbroken was stupid. oh no no. that was not the most stupid thing i did.

know what it is?

believing and never doubting. not once.

part away. whatever.
you have no right to make me cry like this. i want to say that im through with this cycle.
but no.
i dont want this through.
i want this to be ok.
i just want to say that i have never expected to feel such pain, disappointment and rejection from the people who, i thought believed in me.

such a shame for us.
such pain for me.