"...You can’t just sit around, getting angry because you think you're ready.

If you were really ready, things would be happening.”
-regina spektor

very nice. very nice, especially after reading her biography.

after several days of immersing myself in easy-listening music and insisting on repeating the little downlaods i could afford to stay up waiting for, my mind has once again generated another dream. yet again.

i want to be a musician. wooo..

kaya panay ang magic sing ko.

JOKE.

joke lang talaga. mananatili na lang isang panaginip yan. hehe.

but who knows, life could be too long for literature and visual arts.

dream on. haha

read my earlier posts they deserve views rather than this lousy thing.

im getting addicted to camera obscura, so as to other obscure things. what's new?

i thought i was wanting new things because so much were new-- new house, new room, new way, practically, new life without Kate. but then, one thing hasn't changed. im still a woman pretending to be a girl. or the other way around. or perhaps, what hasn't changed is my unsureness about these two.

i want to grow out of being obsessive. or not. maybe, i just have to quit whinning about it because this is really me down to the roots of my tangled and uncombed hairs.

i dont want to get rid of my childishness. i want to stay young and be idealistic about things. i want to forever think that the world has so much in store for me.

rarrr..but being obsessive and being hurt eventually sends signal to my nerves up to my brain. this is when we eventually grow out of being children, when we fully understand pain.

but i dont..yet. so i must not understand it fully. i must resist my resistance. hence, i must give in to obsessiveness.

this is me manipulating myself. how cute is that?

_____________________________

i can't believe i'm counting on you
one im so gullible
two im so overacting
three im so much of a know-it-all
and
four im a social-climber
and that last count connotes further more.
and so i count on you more than four times
i forsee that.
you know what i also see?
i see no you

----

GAHD im so stupid.

ke bagal-bagal naman ng connection. lintik.

pasko..sana naging maligaya kayo.

evident sa pasko ngayong taon na maraming nagbago sa buhay ko.

simulan na lang sa new neighborhood namin na ni shadow ng christmas spirit eh hindi ata sinapian. by 10pm, lights off na. dinaig pa ang curfew. usually, we spend our christmas eve at pampanga, but it was different this year. we had to stay at home because ewan ko. maselan ata pagbubuntis ng tita ko kaya. basta ganun.

i just sang the night away, sa magic sing namin. inaral ko pa yung isang oldies na kanta sa player ko para ma-perfect ko at mapatotohanan ko ang sabi ni pacquiao na lalo raw gagaling. tapos i rummaged my drawer for a sketchpad..then i discovered something. hahahuhuhaha..something that made my heartbeat race. whatever. basta, evrything ended after the discovery of that something hidden in my things for almost two months. katanga-tanga ko para hindi yun makita.

tapos natulog na ako, mga 4am na yun.

tapos nagising ako ng 12noon.. i was home alone. edi linis linis ng bahay, ligpit ng gamit, kain ng tira-tira tapos nanuod ng DVDs from hannah. in between pala nun eh sinilip ko yung libro ni papa na purpose driven life. na-bother naman niya ako kahit papaano. tapos nagdasal ako. tapos narinig ko na yung busina ng car nmin from outside, dumating na ang pamilya. tapos kain. tapos tulog.

that was merry christmas for me.

paggising ko na lang kanina, naka-confine na daw ang 2 kong tita sa father side. yung isa, nagnervous breakdown daw. may bad encounter ata with her spouse then she said to her daughter: ayoko na dito, aalis na ako! then she fainted. when she became conscious once again, she can't recognize anyone. all that she's saying was: "teka nagmamadali ako. aalis ako. iiwanan na ako ng kasama ko..."

woah.

my other tita was the one who tried to fix the hospital stuffs for her. after everything was alright, she felt something wrong with her stomach. now she's confined too. kaya i spent my day looking after her.

sana wala nang iba pang ma-harm ngaun christmas season. kaya kayo, mag-iingat. yan ang sinasabi ng mabait kong side. sabi nung lunatic na side: aba, sabi ko na nga ba, when all else fail, i always count on lunacy. it's the most accessible escape talaga.

a photoshoot where everything was an outtake

the points to highlight here are parents at the living room eating and singing siblings at the other room playing friend that's kimie came over vintage clothes and other stuffs digital camera junk foods from external sources and most especially a room with bare walls and hardly anything else but ironically they're all in gray we were polka dot people talking to white walls don't make our shadows appear but they refused to hear us beg shadows did appear so we posed our hearts away and bade goodbye to our sanity playground was the room as we went round about rummaging for anything to use even cola bottles weren't exempted the rest will be herstory

giddiness, goodness!

unang beses ko pa lang to nakita, nagustuhan ko na.

at kahit hindi na gumagana, sobrang natutuwa pa rin ako sa kanya.

ayaw kasi ibigay sa akin yung buong set eh. sayang.

sa ngayon, umiikot lang ang buhay ko sa bagong lumang bahay na nilipatan namin.

pati na rin sa paggawa ng mga takdang aralin--mag-diary at magsketch ng landscapes.

napakapayapa ng buhay.

onga pala, wag kayong manunuod ng tenacious d na movie kung ayaw niong masayang pera ninyo. kunglibre, wag pa rin, sayang ang oras ninyo. hay naku.

LOVE is like..

nagmula ang mighty ideya nito sa autograph ng aking kapatid. nakasulat kasi dun sa define love nia:

LOVE IS LIKE AN ONION. IT MAKES YOU CRY.

kaya kanina, together with leo and gelene, nagisip pa kami ng ibang metaphors. tpos ang-haba ng byahe sa fx kaya nman nag-isip pa ako ng iba.

LOVE IS LIKE...
a taxi. it takes you wherever you want to go.
an ikot jeep. it turns your world around.
a UP-SM north jeep. it comes rarely.
a lantern. it parades.huh?!
a bridge game because you need a partner.
a bridge game again. it requires you to bid your emotions.
a plant. it grows.
an ID. you cannot enter heaven without it.
Kate. it was gone even before you knew it.
Gelene. it's for jokes.
Leo. it sucks. bwahaha
my test papers. there is always something wrong with it.
playing dance maniax. sometimes, you fail.
a christmas tree. it has balls. (huh?!)
a poste/ a rock. it's hard.
a dengue mosquito. it breeds in stagnant water.
sun cellular. it makes you wait for a signal.
a check mark. it makes everything right.
the Bantigue family's vios. it brings JOY everywhere. HAHA
Manny Pacquiao/ nursing students. it's everywhere.
Jennylyn Mercado. it leaves a MARK.
a computer game. it makes you want to kill.
an electric fan. it blows you away.
a computer mouse. it points you to the right direction.
Commonwealth Avenue/ the FX line. you get stuck in it.
dinner. you can't have it once you're late.
a dictionary. it has many definitions.

hmmm.. may naiisip pa ba kau?
dali dadagan natin!

grabe. ang-layo nga ng bahay namin. ngayon ay nag-sink in na siya ng maige sa utak ko. tapos wala pang pagkain pagdating. huhu..kawawa naman ako.

excited na ako for lantern parade. wiiiii..

“If you are distressed by anything external,

the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it;

and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”

--Marcus Aurelius Antoninus

i want to borrow myself from me. then, i would let her go. away from everything i have been putting myself through, for the sake of being good and for the benefit of the world around.

my life is so dull and planned right now. it is only you that makes it a bit exciting. and though you wouldn't probably reach this..im still extending my appreciation. you make me feel like i am a child and you are someone older, someone ready to pat me on the back and tell me about the strange world we both have chosen to exist.

sometimes, i wish i could be more nosy and inquisitive in front of you. but somehow, words turn into doubt whenever they attempt to materialize into something you could decipher.

and when sometimes, words indeed come out as themselves, you would then begin to evacuate from the spot called interested. a tinge of disappointment reaches my heart. the lollipop was taken back from a child. and so i dance away from our tryst in blinding manner. to forget about the disappointment would be my main concern. i wouldn't even bother comprehend about what has transpired. to be numb is to be strong about it.

i want

fancy and liberating and breezy and alone and functioning and breathing and away.

G.I.V.?

---which stands for Globally-Intellectual Village

unfortunately, eventually, actually, we will be apart. let's not think of it as a reason to be down in the dumps.

UP's lighting ceremony last Monday december4. before the lights were actually lighted..

thoughts of which came to me after i heard about the Japan scholarship, Kate in Canada and the news about the high demand for occupational therapists in Canada, New Zealand, etc. this is not entirely positive, but i have managed to picture us so apart from each other. so, i had to attribute a theory that would somehow light up this grim idea.

the idea was patterned by mcluhan's global village (mass comm!) wherein the world would be conneceted through mass media..blah blah.. well, i didn't utilize the whole idea but merely the term. haha. so there's no point in explaining it in depth.

kate even suggested that KFC the block would eventually be replaced by Paris' shopping districts as our habitual meeting place. and of course, she joked about Leo being out of place during our shopping escapades.

hayyy.. we're really getting old.

i have imagined an improved version of a museum hopping for an art-related romantic date.

ikeee..

(haven't been mushy for quite a while so im shy to tell all..hihi)

the images in my head are blurry because the venue was somewhere i haven't been.

i would love to spent an afternoon (and if possible, a night) there..

with me, myself, and lots of money so i can bring home pieces. o how romantic the thought is.

"i have a home

and a window called night.

i sleep in a bed named sky

and dream about people i haven't met.

in my dreams we talk about teacups.

because of the future it holds

and the afternoon it brings.

o, what are afternoons without teacups?"

moving out is hard to do.

napakanakakapagod. bukod pa dun ang nakakasakit ng ulo na amoy ng pintura. hayy..daming alikabok. daming iniimpake. daming nililinis. kelan kaya ako makakahiga at makakatulog ng maayos?

andami ko pang gustong gawin sa buhay ko ngayon. gusto kong magadvance reading sa mga subjects ko para this week eh mapagtuunan ko ng pansin ang pagpapaganda ng kwarto ko. gusto ko ng mural sa kwarto ko at sa ceiling. wait, mural pa ba ang tawag pag sa ceiling? basta ganun.

excited na rin ako sa pag-edit ng mga vintage clothes na napulot ko sa bahay na lilipatan namin. ang gaganda ng dresses at ng mga bags. yung iba from Paris pa sosyal. nung sinusukat ko sabi ni mama mukha raw akong mula sa ibang panahon. meron atang 3 black and white polka dot dresses. ansayaaaa..

at lalaki na rin ang kwarto ko. yey. amazing, sa buong bahay, sa kwarto ko lang may signal ang sun. kakaiba talaga ang sun.
hayy..kay raming pagbabago sa buhay ko. lipat-bahay at ang pag-alis ni kate. eh parang yun na nga buong buhay ko ah--- aral, lakwatsa, uwi. pero soon madadagdagan na yan. kailangang matuto at masanay sa buhay na wala ang mga bagay na nakasanayan.

it's time to grow
.