MASSking myself

(a reflection post on the two weeks in cwts1)


for the last two weeks, i spent my classes in my college, MASSCOMM-- the place where everbody is a butterfly except for one lost caterpillar that is me. during the first day, i had a hard time pulling myself out of the comforts of my solitude. i had no motivation to bring myself back to the real world where the need to socialize is, what else, a NEED. and to think, i'd be dealing with mass comm people, with their colorful wings, flapping anywhere i lay my eyes on.

but, i had no choice but to go to class. so, armed with my kikay kit (in case i have to disguise myself..hahaha), my psychidelic notebook and my ever-so-trusting creative zen nano, i went there, expecting nothing but a boring day full of blows that will reiterate that i am in the wrong place of the university.

then..NEWSFLASH!

no matter how i tried to deny it, my first day was actually fun. of course, everything i thought about the people there, their being butterflies, were real. i found myself listening from what they have to say. they were sensible people, actually. they exceeded my low expectations (HAH! im bad!). but that doesnt mean that i immediately became another butterfly and instantly became one of them. i did not. i was so hesitant to talk. im so afraid of being mistaken as a nonsense person by simply stating what was already obvious (like what their long speeches were made of! bad again!).

everything they said could just be processed mentally by anyone from UP. but i dont want to be JUST like anyone from UP. i want to be distinct. and so, i can not catch myself plagarizing the common answer to a common query. i must think differently, deeper than anybody else.

i only spoke twice. obviously, they gave me a hard time. im not really THAT distinct YET. but i believe, even with those two short statements, i did not fail to make myself heard. (OK, im being too boastful here..pardon! :O)

the following days, there were no group discussions anymore. i was spared. yey!one time, our class was supposed to be held in the audi and i came in early. i had no one to talk to because gelene was not there yet and ruth was busy talking with her other friends (and i have no hostility whatsoever about it! it takes a lot of practice to exercise that kind of patience, and understanding too. i understand ruth because i know her too well. it's not really a problem with me. :D). i was so annoyed by the buzzing of their voices, their laughs with varying melodies and tones. Oh wait. i described them as if they were music to my ears. THEY WERE NOT. so, being the girl scout i was (ok. i was never a girl scout, just using the icon of being a person who is always prepared! haha), i finally used my secret weapon-- my mp3 player! yey! as their voices grew louder, my thumb would press the button to make their annoying voices be lost in the drum parts of Weezer's We Are All On Drugs (yeah!).

everytime they had time to socialize and for me, to wait, i would set-up my secret weapon and transport myself to the introvert-forgiving world of mp3s. and as their existence faded from my senses, i was hearing myself laugh inside, with the feeling of revenge.

why am i so angry with them anyway?

OH NO NO! i may seem angry but i am not. i just feel that i am different from them and i NEVER want to feel the need to be like them.

as i surveyed the audi one time, i realized that every person on that room was interesting. each of them has a personality they own. they dont hesitate to show or TALK about who they are and what they think, although sometimes, they were not even worth hearing.

this summer, the CWTS program of our college was biased to comm res-- my course. the speakers and the lessons were mostly inclined with it, and of course, with volunteerism and citizenship as well. the program was so far from rubbish. it was so enlightening. i even found myself quoting the speakers. i was moved by the things that some of them said. confidently, i could say that today, i did not get out of the audi empty. (because apart from the lessons, i even acquired the way they speak, mixed with gelene's style! OH NO! o yun naman di ba?!)

and another thing, it was reaffirmed by the commres grads that i what i would want to do someday is indeed related with my course! yey! i became more excited to get my majors and learn more! wheee..

so no more hesitations anna lee. you are indeed on the right track. and even if you are not a butterfly like them, you can still crawl your way to the top!

and just like what Gelene would say..
"let's get it on!"
wahahaha!