when the light turns itself off

is there really such a connection about me being born 3 days before halloween and the fact that i love dark things a lot?

tracing back the life i have lived, i cant find anything that could have brought my fancy for such colors. because even before the tragedy of him came unto me, i have always liked dark things. i dont really know why.

i seem so much of a happy person outside, laughing a lot and joking all the time. but something inside me eats everything i show, making a hollow dark space, making me think about dark things. i feel that i dont have the right to like things that exudes hate because i have such a happy life in general.

if people can only see how dark most of my journal entries are, they will know why i am bothered. i only ponder about my losses, my sadness and my fears. i dont content myself on the situation. i love to see the dark side of things. maybe beacuse i find this habit as a counter-attack to my personal theory that expectation kills. because by opening my eyes to the possibility of pain, i instantly widthraw my attachment to something.

i believe we all fear pain. but having endured so much during the tragedy of him entering my life, pain and i eventually became friends. we constantly encourage each other.

ahhh..the last paragraph contradicted everything i have written! now, that's the reason why i am bothered. i learned how to enjoy the pain lingering in me, as much as how i try to avoid it.

watever.


___________

One night there was something in my pants, like blood. My mom said, oh,
hell, your period. This is where all the trouble starts. She was right.

that line came from the movie prozac nation. that was not really my fave line. i cant find the exact words but my fave lines sounded like..

elizabeth asked rafe why he likes her and why he won't leave her.

rafe said: because there's nothing in you that you dont feel strongly to the depth of your soul..


something like that. i really found myself on that statement. i am desperately hoping for someone who could see me as that. but not a rafe, because eventually, rafe left elizabeth for that same reason.

sabi ko kasi sau, FIND ME na! hoyyyy.. find me!
ahhhhhhhhh..bat ka pa ba kasi nagpahanap sa akin ayan tuloy im deeply disturbed right now..
oo ikaw yun!
sino pa ba?