an idle life

caloi told me that my life is idle and tht i have to busy myself in order to generate better days than what i was having for the past three days.

i tried.

but the position of whoever it is that would rule my mind is still empty. and so i obtained my so-called purgatorial state. my internal demons are fighting their way back on their baluarte that is me. but then my internal angels are not willing to lose their newly-found advantage associated with him. and so the struggle persists.

i am more inclined now with the good side.
(and i thank Jonas and David for calling me...i had so much fun conversing with you! sana matuloy ang libre mo david!!)

earlier today, i found myself deciding whether to post a very dark entry once again. soooooooooo dark that it would ruin almost every ray of light i have in my life. maybe i would post it someday for viewing purposes,i hope and not because i really mean it.

i even reviewed some related literature-- previous dark diary entries. but instead of relating my present state with what i had while i made them, i found the present as like as chalk as cheese.. different, dissimilar.

then i catched forty winks for three hours.
when i woke up, i reached for the bible i placed years ago near my bed (and haven't moved it since then). i read some passages and found them interesting. i promised myself, from now on i will make it more meaningful to my life.

this day is a struggle..struggle on finding the right side to align myself . i hope this struggle will cease soon because there are some nearing events that are far more important than this cure for such a disease called an idle life.