read my earlier posts they deserve views rather than this lousy thing.

im getting addicted to camera obscura, so as to other obscure things. what's new?

i thought i was wanting new things because so much were new-- new house, new room, new way, practically, new life without Kate. but then, one thing hasn't changed. im still a woman pretending to be a girl. or the other way around. or perhaps, what hasn't changed is my unsureness about these two.

i want to grow out of being obsessive. or not. maybe, i just have to quit whinning about it because this is really me down to the roots of my tangled and uncombed hairs.

i dont want to get rid of my childishness. i want to stay young and be idealistic about things. i want to forever think that the world has so much in store for me.

rarrr..but being obsessive and being hurt eventually sends signal to my nerves up to my brain. this is when we eventually grow out of being children, when we fully understand pain.

but i dont..yet. so i must not understand it fully. i must resist my resistance. hence, i must give in to obsessiveness.

this is me manipulating myself. how cute is that?

_____________________________

i can't believe i'm counting on you
one im so gullible
two im so overacting
three im so much of a know-it-all
and
four im a social-climber
and that last count connotes further more.
and so i count on you more than four times
i forsee that.
you know what i also see?
i see no you

----

GAHD im so stupid.